Fake AP Stylebook

Style tips for proper writing. contact: fakeapstylebook at gmail dot com. No submissions, please. All material copyright The Bureau Chiefs, LLC.

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@NYCScribbler We're open to suggestions. "Rancid," maybe?

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Call them TERFs or assholes or whatever you want. Fuck 'em.

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Refer to death threats made to retail employees by domestic terrorists as "controversy." We don't want to upset the strange man in the red hat writing everyone's license plate numbers down.

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@froonding_loom Never, ever refer to HBO as TV. We've been over this and over this.

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It's still just "HBO." Come on.

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When profiling the latest fascist du jour politician, imagine that you're giving just the best blowjob ever. Like you're really going to town down there.

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Always fact check the hypothetical existence of blood emerald mines. You don't want to get Community Notes from those people.

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Commas and periods go within quotation marks.

Example: “We are deleting accounts that have not logged in for 30 days,” he said. Later, he said, “Enough people hollered at me online so that we are deleting accounts that have not logged in for 30 years.”

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Always use passive voice when repeating police department claims like a good little sub.

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Mistakes in articles written by your summer intern/lead VC investor's idiot nephew Sandy can now be blamed upon "AI experimentation."

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Baker's dozen - Outdated. From now on, to describe a 13 count of something, please use the current term, a "Santos."

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Bucking up and doing your damn job is always in style.

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We advise any heavily concussed editors to take medical leave. https://t.co/52DGnj0SET

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@joymongerer @DavidPriess Come on now. It's just an joke.

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@alnarraTweets @newschannelnine Sure. Who cares. Nothing means anything. Where is the whiskey.

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It's "Write MORE Good," jackass. https://t.co/jDEK95kFoZ

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If you get thirsty, make sure you're drinking from the right water fountain. #RNC

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In all political stories from now on, be sure to note whether or not the trains run on time.

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It's never too early for your political columnists to start speculating on the 2020 King of Hobomerica death-fight primaries.