Fake EOIR

Parody account. Nothing official about this. No affiliation to any government agency. Same shit, different administration.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Please let this age well.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

We don't expect much to change here at EOIR in the event of a Biden victory, but rumor has it he'll make us give each respondent a gentle kiss on the forehead before entering a removal order.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

You are now reading messages from ECAS in Borat's voice.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

To paraphrase Borat: Your E-28 was NOT filed!

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

ECAS Update: We've heard your feedback loud and clear, and from now on we'll be uploading transcripts to the portal one page at a time.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Tips for a Successful Webex Hearing #2:

If you talk over the interpreter, we will all get out of here faster.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

We do not hand out cool drinks to DHS counsel. They're ice cold drinks, and our bartender is second to none.

[I’m not talking @MattArchambeau1]

Being a DHS trial attorney is like lawyering while in a hammock on a beach, with the judge handing you cool drinks on one side and the Congress on the other fanning you off while they both cheer you on.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Due to our landlord being a total chode, EOIR is suspending operations at the Houston - Smith Street Immigration Court.

If anyone has a couch we can crash on until we get our security deposit back, that would be mint.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Tips for a Successful Webex Hearing #1:

Call in by video using your computer, and also dial in using your phone. Do not mute either device. This will result in an infinite, horrifying echo, which we find really drives home the hopelessness of the situation in our courtrooms.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Due to COVID-19, hearings for unrepresented, non-detained respondents will be postponed.

Represented respondents and their counsel are invited to fuck off and die.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

@Banishhh Don't get your hopes up that we won't start scheduling hearings for weekends and holidays.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

It'd be a shame if we set your individual hearing for 12/26 and then cancelled it without notice or explanation, wouldn't it? 😏

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

@LirrNihilist @CrystaLiteTini @msolurin Hey can we just get some LIRR parody tweets instead?

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

The Philadelphia Immigration Court closed early today to settle a long-forgotten flip cup rivalry.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

If you thought recordings of these hearings sounded underwater before, just wait until we get this train wreck a-rollin'.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Operational Status Update: Due to inclement weather, the Elizabeth, Newark, New York - Broadway, New York - Federal Plaza, and New York - Varick immigration courts will be merged into one big underwater mega court (Atlantis Immigration Court).

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Sorry we've been gone for a while. The Biden administration's wish for EOIR is that we do as close to absolutely fucking nothing as possible, so we've been going with that.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

Were we... supposed to be pretending up until now?

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

EOIR is pleased to announce that we have hired several more people who you'll have to explain the categorical approach to, possibly for the first time ever.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

@matt_cam @YammerPsaka @LilySAxelrod @crimmigration Cute that you think we're training them.

[Fake EOIR @FakeEOIR]

We try.*

*We do not try.