it's been 7 days of absolute silence. i just picked up my phone, fingers trembling, about to type 'i miss you so much it hurts', but then i quickly deleted it in tears.
i'm starting to realize that the more i chase you, the further you push me away-like a game of hide and seek where i'm always the loser.
i wonder if you even care? or if seeing a notification from me just makes you feel suffocated? every time i see 'read' without a single response, my world just falls apart.
i'm terrified of becoming that pathetic person who clings to something that's already dead. this notes app is the only place where i can be real, where i can scream that i'm not okay at all since the day you left.
I designed them to resemble a massive church because there is a thin line between light and fire, destruction and purification, and illusion and doctrine
In response to trends in the gaming industry, as of April 1st 2027, I will stop going to Square Enix to work physically and appear digitally only.
Employees will be able to download the Tetsuya Nomura APP on their devices with my code 42069 and have me tell them what to do.
finally accepting that we were nothing and i over romanticized the whole thing. I turned every late night text and “good morning” into proof that you felt the same way.
I created scenarios in my head about our future and held onto small moments like they meant way more than they actually did. I ignored how one-sided it was because I wanted it to be real so badly.
I stayed hopeful even when your replies got shorter and your effort disappeared. I made excuses for you and convinced myself that you were just bad at showing affection, while deep down I knew I was the only one still trying. I kept believing in a version of us that only existed in my mind.
This is me finally letting go of that version. It hurts to accept that I was in love with an idea more than the actual person, but I can’t keep romanticizing something that was never really there. I wish you well, but I’m choosing reality over the story I created.
I've been blocked, unblocked, loved, hated, cheated on, lied to, gaslighted, manipulated, but I have never had someone tell me "let's fix this I can't lose you."
They say “you get what you give.” But I never got what I gave. I gave love with a full heart and got distance in return. I gave loyalty and was met with betrayal. I gave comfort to people when they were hurting, yet when I was the one falling apart, there was no one there to hold me together. I listened to their pain, understood their silence, stayed through their hardest days and loved them in ways they never had to question. But when I needed the same, I was left feeling alone. What hurts the most is not that I gave so much, but that I genuinely believed it meant something. I believed that the love I gave would come back, that the effort I made would be appreciated, that the people I cared about would care about me too. Instead I found myself carrying wounds I never deserved, crying over people who slept peacefully after breaking my heart and questioning my worth because I wasn't treated the way I treated others.
the neurodivergent obsession with trying to figure out why someone did what they did. replaying it. analyzing it. asking your friends. asking your therapist. asking your friends again. because your brain literally cannot accept that some people are just cruel for no reason.
some of y'all need to understand that your partner asking you to change isn’t them trying to change who you are. it’s them asking you to fix the patterns that are damaging the relationship
A good man can destroy himself trying to love the wrong woman. Not because love made him weak, but because he kept pouring loyalty into a place that only knew how to drain him. He’ll excuse disrespect, call pain “patience,” confuse suffering with commitment, and keep bleeding just to prove his heart was real. But a man has to learn this: the wrong woman won’t become right because you loved her harder. Sometimes saving yourself is the most masculine thing you can do.
the disrespect at the end was so loud that the memories held no value. I tried so hard to hold onto the good moments we shared, but the way you pulled away and treated me in the end completely overshadowed everything before it.
I kept replaying our memories, trying to convince myself they were enough to stay, but your silence and distance made it impossible to ignore how little I mattered to you anymore.
I stayed patient through your inconsistency. I gave you understanding when you barely gave me effort back. I kept choosing you even when it started breaking me quietly. But in the end, the disrespect was too loud, and it erased the value of everything we once had.
This is me finally letting go. It hurts to accept that the memories I held onto so tightly no longer mean what they used to, because of how you chose to end things. I wish you well, but I can’t keep holding onto a love that ended with so much disrespect.
Schizo thoughts:
When you're born, your death is born too, a personal reaper that always accompanies you ever since your life starts. At first you can see them, they're an imaginary friend of sorts but then you forget about them
In the end, they will be the last thing you see
You think because I love you, you can treat me any way you please and I'll still be here? You think my love means I have no sense? No. I love you yes. The connection is real yes. But I am not a punching bag for anyone. Not even for someone I love with everything in me.
cheating is terrible, yeah… but have you ever met someone who seemed so genuine only to find out he was just feeding his ego, chasing lust, and manipulating everyone the whole time?
If you look back, you probably will see that you cared more about them than they did and that’s why the connection didn’t progress the way it should have. There will be a lot of things you realise when you’re out of that space that you ignored because you were so focused on making the relationship work.
There’s so many things that you justified, let slide and simply accepted. Often, people lower their standards for those that they love because they genuinely believe that type of compromise and sacrifice is necessary. It isn’t, but that’s something many people only learn the hard way.