onelikelaura

from Milan to Minsk

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

You don’t even KNOW what I got in these drafts

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

HEY @drtyfrnk IM BACK BABY

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

A woman just called me and asked, “who is this?” And I said my name. And she said, “I think you have the wrong number I’m trying to reach Pamela.” 🤣

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

Oh my god. What is the only thing worse than getting NOTICED on LinkedIn??? A man hitting on you on LinkedIn. Also, I have a job. Why am I on LinkedIn?

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

lol imagine being so desperate to follow trends that you strategically place your bikini top so the bottom half of your boob is out......

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

Ugh. As if my connection in Vegas is STILL in jail.

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

I AM SO SICK OF THE WORD NARRATIVE. JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE. I CANT YELL THIS ON INSTAGRAM BECAUSE STRANGERS WILL ATTACK MY PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND I HAVE PMS.

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

I don’t know who needs to hear this but......

You do not need to exaggerate your ugly-laugh whilst recording a humorous happening.

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

I just said to my cat,

“Yes, I love you. But I love me more.”

Who do I think I am? Samantha Jones?????

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

Dear principal,

I hope you are well. This is not a ghost - I’ve survived surgery.

Furthermore,

WHY AM I LIKE THIS

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

Most recent word tripping me out: cartwheel. Who has EVER typed this word before and furthermore what kind of cart?

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

Do I CARE about society’s standards? NO. Do I think women should feel the need to shave their legs for a MAN? NO. Will I shave my entire body before my surgery? Yes.

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

My favourite work emails are the ones that say

“Do not reply - Urgent”

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

@talknfcknLeigh I’ve just clearly stated that they are not afraid of heights let alone their position relative to sea level and I’ll ask you kindly to refrain from interacting with my tweets they are only for me.

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

I know why squirrels aren’t afraid of heights and no I’m not telling bye

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

2 truths and 1 lie: places I’ve “fallen asleep” edition.

1. the floor of a Vegas lobby casino

2. on my plate of pasta at my resort buffet

3. inside John Hamm’s grey sweats

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

So today I flossed in bed and then took a drink of water from my nightstand and I swished it around in my mouth before swallowing it in order to dislodge any debris but instead of swallowing it I instinctively spit it out... on to myself.

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

Been waiting for that perfect moment to unsubscribe from CAA emails... they just emailed me about Mother’s Day. The time is now.

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

2 truths and 1 lie: exam edition

a) my (adult) toenail fell off and my (adult) cousin ate it

b) we paid him

c) both a and b are false

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

Honestly, my car is being so rude. It’s begging me DAILY for washer fluid..... Seriously, it’s a pandemic. Stay thirsty, pal!

[onelikelaura @FauraLarnsworth]

If you have to cancel something such as your internet, I highly recommend beginning the call with, “please don’t be mad at me but I have to cancel this service...” and if they have the audacity to try to keep you just say, “please I have PMS let me gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo”