Firstly, the โI am writing to applyโ is generic, you need to start with a proper hook.
You also listed responsibilities but no results, number of roles you recruited for? Number of successful hires? Candidates assessed? Any audits passed? Number of employee or candidate records managed?
None of that is listed in your email template, thereโs also no mention of tools. What did you use to screen/ shortlist candidates? How did you deliver and score the competency assessments did you use a form, a template, or a platform? Did you use any HR software or HRIS system at any point during the internship?
None of the above is stated in your email template
Lastly, your cv should be attached as pdf not a photo or screenshot
See correction below ๐๐ฝ