Delaware News

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[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

All Delaware residents will be automatically subscribed to our news service. Paper deliveries will be made daily, directly to you at 3pm sharp, wherever you are. This includes UD and DSU students currently out of state. Consider yourself warned.

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Joe Biden has been deported from Delaware. His place on the ballot will be replaced with the ghost of former Delaware resident, Bob Marley.

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Governor Carney announces that, should Trump die of COVID-19, Route 1 will be shut down to accommodate a parade in celebration

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Delaware News congratulates former drug mule @LaurenWitzkeDE on her victory in tonight’s primary!

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Delaware News would like to remind everyone to wear a mask and social distance while committing voter fraud 💙 #delawareprimary

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

To the registered Democrats and Republicans of the state, happy #delawareprimary!

To everyone else, get fucked i guess 🤷🏼‍♂️

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Delaware will be having a civil war based on whether you support the eagles or the Washington football team

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

The state troopers on Route One will be purposely running into vehicles on weekends in order to make beach traffic worse

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Christiana Mall, hoping to recover lost sales during quarantine, has begun selling “anti-masks.” They’re like regular masks, except they don’t exist. On sale now, 2 for $5.

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Attorney General Jennings has decided stealing a MAGA hat is a hate crime, apparently

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

In an effort to simplify the name, Sussex County has been renamed Sux County

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Dover Air Force Base will be issuing wives to all who enlist to prevent them from hitting on high school students

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

To ensure social distancing, Rehoboth authorities have trained the seagulls to shit on groups of 10 or more people.

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

BREAKING: Sources reveal that the Christiana Mall and the Dover Mall are connected by a long tunnel built from the bones of parents who put their children on leashes

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

The statue of Columbus in Wilmington will be replaced with realistic clone of Aubrey Plaza

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

The University of Delaware has announced its plan to stage a coup against the Newark City Council in an effort to speed up the town’s gentrification

[Delaware News @FirstStateNewss]

Senator Chris Coons has announced that he will be moving out of his Delaware residence and into an office at CNN headquarters in Atlanta, out of convenience for his interviewers.