So I just tried to explain to my grandad that the tweet I wrote about him and nana texting me has got nearly 20k likes and he goes “what do you mean how can all them people read your texts you better put a password on your phone” 😭🤣😭🤣😭 lol forget it x
My friend was caring for an old woman before and she choked on an ice burger and had to go to hospital, nearly died. She came home and the first thing she did was go to the freezer and get another ice burger
The kids saw my penguin tattoo on my ankle and decided to give it a name. Pick your favourite?
'Dave'
'Lucile'
'Dr Penguina'
'Cosmo'
'John Cena'
'Poppins'
'Mr Pointon's Penguin on his leg'
'Dave again'
Some fella called me a bottler for not sending him a nude about 5 mins after talking to him for the first time hahahahahahahaha I’ll bottle you now in a minute mate