Dan

Power suit. Power tie. Power steering.

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Being silly with my GF :P

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Sorry I haven’t been tweeting as much! I’ve been with my girlfriend :P

[Dan @FuckoDan]

I officially have a girlfriend guys! :D

[Dan @FuckoDan]

My New Years resolutions havent worked over the past 5 years so Im switching it up
2016 - “worry less, do more”
2017 - “Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life”
2018 - “Small investments, for longterm results”
2019 - eat more bananas
Hoping this will be my best year yet

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Friend: *bragging about his job and how much money he makes*
Me: “hey man, didnt you get your job through the Make A Wish foundation?”

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Volcanos are Earth’s pimples... think about it

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Everyone always tells me I act like such a dad and I don’t understand why. Like hello, have you seen my dance moves? *dab*

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Every day is "Cyber Monday" for me, if you know what I'm sayin

[Dan @FuckoDan]

I'm excited to start using the ol' "Why don't I get back to you on this after the new year"

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Telephone poles are just trees that got jobs.

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Please keep my brother in your prayers. There’s nothing wrong with him he just looks like a PeeWee Herman. 1 like = 1 prayer

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Me: "want to grab drinks tonight?"
Her: "not really"
Me: "I hate me too"

[Dan @FuckoDan]

If your man goes to the gym, don't call him “big guy” call him:
- King of Squats
- 50 lb barbell
- Hook grip
- Meal prep
- Protein Powder
- Cottage cheese
- Monosaturated fat
- 20 grams creatine
- 6-8 grams of BCAAs
- Active rest

[Dan @FuckoDan]

@Jjooccee16 Better no friend then fake friends. #amiright

[Dan @FuckoDan]

@comeflywithmeg Pain is beauty

[Dan @FuckoDan]

@jesica323 You’re the highlight of my week

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Me on Facebook: “So excited for season 3”
Susan: “Which show!?”
Me: “Please respect my privacy Susan”

[Dan @FuckoDan]

Hire me, the Professional Thanksgiving and Christmas Boyfriend

Below are some Holiday Season specials:
1) Will wear a button up and Khakis $50
2) Will talk about how much I earned back in Crypto Currency investments $75
3) Will mistake your mother for one of your sisters $99

[Dan @FuckoDan]

I am two diets away from trying crack

[Dan @FuckoDan]

I know when girls post a picture of a baby that it’s pretty easy to see if it’s their baby or not... but that doesn’t stop me from commenting “Congratulations! I always knew you’d make a great mother. So what if life happens faster than you planned”