Olivia
Online
Funny Quotes
@FunnyQuotes888
Joined December 2012
1.6K Following
14.8K Followers
89.5K Posts
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Now on special sale! https://t.co/c4udHuF2xA
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Now on special sale!! https://t.co/c4udHuF2xA
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Now on special sale https://t.co/c4udHuF2xA
Most Popular Users
Elon Musk 
@elonmusk
241.1M followers
Barack Obama
@barackobama
119.1M followers
Cristiano Ronaldo
@cristiano
112.5M followers
Donald J. Trump
@realdonaldtrump
111.8M followers
Narendra Modi
@narendramodi
107.1M followers
Rihanna
@rihanna
98.2M followers
NASA
@nasa
92.2M followers
Justin Bieber
@justinbieber
91.4M followers
KATY PERRY
@katyperry
88.7M followers
Taylor Swift
@taylorswift13
82.6M followers
Lady Gaga
@ladygaga
74.1M followers
Virat Kohli
@imvkohli
71.6M followers
Kim Kardashian
@kimkardashian
70.3M followers
YouTube
@youtube
68.7M followers
Bill Gates
@billgates
64.5M followers
Neymar Jr
@neymarjr
64.5M followers
The Ellen Show
@theellenshow
62.4M followers
CNN
@cnn
61.8M followers
Selena Gomez
@selenagomez
61.8M followers
X
@x
60.8M followers