Ben Ashworth

My husband, Ben, says and does weird things. This is our record of it.

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

@HelenOakwater @realjunsonchan @AZGOP @realDonaldTrump @Mike_Pence None... He received fewer legally cast votes than Biden. This is political theater in order to damage trust in democracy and kill any progressive policy momentum.

This is equivalent to a child losing at a game and then having a tantrum and trying to break the pieces.

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Uber cont.
*in Yoda voice* "Shabidibow - jazz yoda!"

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Ben Uber musings:
"New Band Name! Imaginary Love Mayonnaise! I will learn to play an instrument just for that band name!"
"That's enough to undill your pickle!"

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

List of names for the unfortunate timing for my husband getting hard:
Callous erection
Grief boner
Unchivalrous penis
Cockney cock

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Ben, discussing the noise level a well broken Hitachi makes: "That's right Evinrude..." *makes weird combination of engine and southernish noises* "Go after your clit like an auctioneer!"

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Ben throws an small empty box at 5's head, trying to get his attention.
5: "Damnit, Dad!"
Ben: *wipes a tear from his eye* "That's his first Goddamnit Ben!"

Happy birthday, little man.

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Removing his underwear:
"Ugh! I velcro'd my own taint!"

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Husband has pneumonia. Says the cough syrup tastes like a purple maddog fueled bumfight in his mouth. At least he's still funny while sick.

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Ben: "He's one craft beer short of a cock-punch." -in reference to a hipster dude.

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

"Isn't that what rap is? (Switches to British accent) 'Poetry to my penis'... with a beat."

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

(Thump, @$!#*)
Me: "What did you hit?"
Ben: "Satan's dick with my foot. And he's taking viagra. There was a turgidness I was not expecting."

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Me: well, I've seen God when I've been with you.

Ben: I've high-fived him myself a few times.

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Farting - "That's how I change direction!"

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Teasing Baby with cheese, who voiced his displeasure; Ben provided translation: "What reminds me of you and is in my diaper? My asshole!"

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Holding our youngest up to his ear:

"Dang kid! That's a rude seashell."

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Regarding Demi Lovato's song :

"Yup, there's more scissoring in that song than JoAnne's Fabrics!"

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Inside joke created this evening:

"Did somebody kick it and yell about a mouse?"

You just had to be there.

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

While trying to comfort me when I was crying in the shower:

(Looks down)"Really penis?" (To me) "Pardon the callousness of my erection."

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

Hygiene: "I am a hairy cracked individual, so I need bidet because right now it's like trying to put a forest fire out with a spray bottle."

[Ben Ashworth @GDammitBen]

B:My god, even his belly button is perfect
Me:But he can't dance...
B:And Ken doesn't have a dick. The universe somehow balances itself out.