GSElevator

Things heard in the Goldman Sachs elevators (Wall Street) do not stay in the elevators.

[GSElevator @GSElevator]

Finally on Instagram.

Content will be considerably more frequent and diverse, but still cynical and unapologetic.

Follow: https://t.co/S4GzCNoLLc

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

The story of how the Star-Spangled Banner became our national anthem is wild.

Born under fire in 1814, it exploded into a daily ritual at baseball games during World War I, and only became our official anthem in 1931.

Now, national anthems are played before games worldwide.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

I would wager any amount of money that this JP Morgan woman is 1000% innocent and now she's having her life ruined by some failed banker turned scammer.

1. JPM conducted a full internal investigation. That means they would have forensically analyzed all devices - business and personal - for direct evidence and indirect behavioral patterns. She cooperated. He didn't.

2. Her reputation is rock solid. JPM LevFin employees are calling her kind and professional, and even prudish (i.e. the opposite of deviant). Conversely, they are calling this John Doe coward a creep and a loser.

Now she's been meme'd into oblivion by the Daily Mail and the social media masses.

How can she get another job?
How can she get a promotion?
How can she find a life partner?

The memes are funny, but they are destroying this poor woman's life.

So try to keep that in mind and have some grace.

[GSElevator @GSElevator]

It’s been 12 years since the original…

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

https://t.co/m88ICasGZ1

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

Advice for my 16-year-old self (in today's world):

1. Your first job (16) should be as a waiter

Developing soft skills, dealing with difficult customers, and working with immigrants, convicts, dropouts, addicts, single moms, and people who don't even have passports will teach you more than you could ever learn at an Ivy League school.

Your second job (18) should be as a bartender.

Successfully navigating the drunk and entitled will teach you lifelong skills, and your results are measured nightly in the form of tips.

And it’s more fun.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

I don’t understand the student loan issue.

These people invested in themselves, and lost. Or, they were lied to about the value of their degree.

Plumbers shouldn’t bail them out.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

Pump the brakes, Homan.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

I'm not sure people understand how important this is:

Goldman Sachs CEO says that AI can draft 95% of an IPO prospectus “in minutes.”

White collar jobs will go first.... and fast.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

If you live in Pacific Palisades, you paid your dues...

Doctors, lawyers, agents, entrepreneurs, etc.

You believed in the American Dream. You paid your taxes. You trusted the system.

Then you adopted luxury beliefs like Affirmative Action and DEI and Climate Change™ and Science™.

And they fucked you.

It's time to wake up.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

https://t.co/WruKv3RFPB

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

https://t.co/EnO5lNMNf0

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

Rules for the office Christmas party:

1. Don’t skip it.

2. Eat before you show up to avoid getting intoxicated.

3. Wear what you wore to the office. The guy who changed into skinny jeans and his "going out" shirt clearly has too much free time.

4. Show up on time. Most seniors do. Hang out with them for the first half hour, and then keep your distance.

5. Don’t act excited about the open bar.

6. Don’t talk shop.

7. Don’t flirt or dance with junior staff at the main event. Wait until the after party.

8. Get your adversaries as drunk as possible.

9. Hold your wine glass by the stem. And in your left hand.

10. Hang out with the assistants. They know all the good gossip.

11. No social media. If you’re posting to Instagram or Snapchat, people won’t trust you.

12. Don't do or anything inappropriate; it's still work and HR never stops working.

13. Thank the person who organized the party logistics.

14. Leave early, but not first.

15. Put your card behind the bar at the after party. It makes you the designated leader.

16. Make sure your iPhone alarm clock is already set for the morning.

17. Always be first into the office the next day.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

https://t.co/TX4MVBIjxi

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

FYI... we are here:

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

If she scores 100 or more, don't date her:

- Gucci or LV bag +10
- Body count > books read +80
- More than 10k IG followers +20
- Has zero hobbies +20
- Uses word “bougie” +10
- Owns a gun -20
- Less than 4 passport stamps +20
- Carries a Stanley cup +10
- Loves Miami, Aspen, or Dubai +10 each
- Posted private jet selfie +20
- Thinks Tiffany & Co is nice +20
- Has zero ugly friends +10
- Cracked iPhone +20
- Visible tattoos +20
- Voting for Trump -30

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

Etiquette 101

- The correct response to being told something you already know isn’t “I know.” It’s “You’re right”
- Never split a check
- Don't ask someone what their job is, or where they went to school. It's lazy and boring
- Hold doors open for women, but go through revolving doors first
- Always open a car door for a woman, but if you're sharing the back seat, enter first, and scoot
- Stand up to shake hands
- Don't tell people it's your birthday
- Never respond to a compliment with a compliment 
- Respond to text messages promptly
- Don't address someone by a nickname unless you know them well
- No hats or sunglasses inside
- Never show that you're impressed
- Log off a Zoom if you have poor reception
- Walk with the flow, or at the pace of the woman you're with
- Don't make transformative modifications to menu items
- Using a phone is like a yawn; it's contagious. Put it away when you're with other people
- Say "Thank you" even when texting, not "Thanks" or "Thx"
- Always carry cash
- Name-dropping is awful, and nickname dropping is worse
- If you offer to help, never quit until the job is done
- Eat slowly
- Gift randomly 
- When you meet someone for the 2nd time, remind them what your name is 
- Be patient with bartenders; there's no line for drinks at your refrigerator 
- Don't leave voicemails, or when necessary, make them brief
- Tip more than you should
- Don't ask to trade seats on a plane, unless you’re offering an equal or better seat
- If you want to buy a woman a drink, ask her permission
- Don't say "yes" when you mean "no"
- Get on and off an elevator last
- Don't cancel plans on the day of
- Never admonish or criticize a partner in the presence of others

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

The little known story of James "Jubilee Jim" Fisk and the original "Big Short" in 1865 is still one of the greatest trades of all time.

Jim Fisk's plan was simple:
- Be among the first to know when the South surrendered, thus ending the Civil War
- Beat the news to London.
- Sell millions of dollars worth of soon-to-be-worthless Confederate Civil War bonds.

Because the transatlantic telegraph line had broken down during the war, news from America took 10 days to reach Europe.

All Fisk needed was a faster boat.

He netted $4 million on the trade, or $77 million in today's money, not bad for a kid who grew up poor in Vermont, joined the circus at 15, and made and lost a fortune smuggling cotton during the war.

There are certainly bigger trades, but few as interesting.

Sadly, Big Jim was gunned down less than a decade later by his mistress's lover.

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

The best take on Pride Month:

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

Watches, a guide:

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

It's National Etiquette Week

Ignoring the obvious, and addressing my pet peeves:

- Never split a check
- Don't ask someone what their job is, or where they went to school. It's lazy and boring
- Hold doors open for women, but go through revolving doors first
- Always open a car door for a woman, but if you're sharing the back seat, enter first, and scoot
- Stand up to shake hands
- Don't tell people it's your birthday
- Never respond to a compliment with a compliment 
- Respond to text messages promptly
- Don't address someone by a nickname unless you know them well
- No hats or sunglasses inside
- Never show that you're impressed
- Log off a Zoom if you have poor reception
- Walk with the flow, or at the pace of the woman you're with
- Don't make transformative modifications to menu items
- Using a phone is like a yawn; it's contagious. Put it away when you're with other people
- Say "Thank you" even when texting, not "Thanks" or "Thx"
- Always carry cash
- Name-dropping is awful, and nickname dropping is worse
- If you offer to help, never quit until the job is done
- Eat slowly
- Gift randomly 
- When you meet someone for the 2nd time, remind them what your name is 
- Be patient with bartenders; there's no line for drinks at your refrigerator 
- Don't leave voicemails, or when necessary, make them brief
- Tip more than you should
- Don't ask to trade seats on a plane, unless you’re offering an equal or better seat
- If you want to buy a woman a drink, ask her permission
- Don't say "yes" when you mean "no"
- Get on and off an elevator last
- Don't cancel plans on the day of
- The correct response to being told something you already know isn’t “I know.” It’s “You’re right”
- Never admonish or criticize a partner in the presence of others

[John LeFevre @JohnLeFevre]

“You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.” - Cormac McCarthy

In late 2010, I accepted the job of Asia Head of Debt Syndicate at Goldman Sachs.

One of the people who hired me was Tim Leissner.

One month later, I was sued by the firm I had just resigned from over a contractual non-compete clause, thus preventing my eventual employment at Goldman.

Soon after, the desk I was supposed to run completed three bond offerings (totaling $6.5 billion) for 1MDB, a Malaysian sovereign wealth fund, of which ~$4 billion was later stolen.

For his efforts, Leissner received a bonus of $50 million from Goldman Sachs, who netted $600 million in fees on the transactions, which were clearly fraudulent (and they knew it because they tried to avoid disclosing the off-market fees.)

Today, he's a fugitive from justice in Malaysia for fraud, money laundering, and bribery, and received a lifetime securities ban and $43 million fine in a settlement with the DOJ. He is still awaiting sentencing, after testifying against his subordinate (who got 10 years in jail) in exchange for leniency.

My edge in banking was more aligned with favor-trading and soft skills - flying close to the sun - than it was crunching numbers or running models. So it's most probable that I would have been the one facilitating 1MDB's fraud, or taking the blame, and now sitting in some jail cell.

Instead, I have two perfect kids.