The Hooded Gauntlet

Superhero/supervillain, steamtray jockey in a road haulage depot canteen, first-class mind, failed hedonist, human secularist, tweets satire into the void

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some reference works I have consulted:
AN ALPHABETICAL LIST OF GUY GARVEY'S EMINENT MUSICAL MATES VOLUME ONE: A - L
AN ALPHABETICAL LIST OF GUY GARVEY'S EMINENT MUSICAL MATES VOLUME TWO: M - Z
#elbow #guygarvey #schmoozing #satiricalelement @Guy_Garvey

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some slim volumes of memoir I have self-published:
A LIFE OF SORTS
NO PROSPECT OF HAPPINESS
AS BAD AS IT GOT
PAINFUL MEMORIES
A JOYLESS LIFE
WHEN PEOPLE TOLD ME I'D NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING THEY WERE RIGHT
NOT LONG FOR THIS WORLD SINCE 1959

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some items on the Pub Landlord's rider: Scotch eggs
Placky sachets of ketchup/mustard/brown sauce, &c
Dartboard w. Union Flag arrers
Bottle of Brut
Crate of Brewdog Imperial Pilsner
Walkers crisps (trad, not artisanal nancy boy flavours)
#almurray #satiricalelement @almurray

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some notables with regrettable #tattoos:
David Beckham
Sylvester Stallone
Ben Affleck
Sunta Templeton
Sundry #MMA big guns
Janeane [sic] Garofalo
Ed Gamble
Pete Davidson
Amy Winehouse
Romesh Ranganathan, &c
#corporealvandalism #satiricalelement

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some things #MarcMaron talks about ad infinitum on his #podcast, #WTF:
Standup comedy
Former addictions
Dirty ass rock'n'roll
His parents
Places in the Greatest Country in the World™ he's lived
Acting
Electric guitars
His cats

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some unreported #miracles #Jesus may have effected because He had the power:
Reactionary Jews in the Holy Land are slow to embrace the Lord's message. The fishers of men grow dispirited & their wineskins dry. Time for a modest miracle, perhaps, & an evening of wild carousal?

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some #rockabilly combos Marks Kermode and Lamarr are in thrall to:
Showaddywaddy
The Polecats
Bow Wow Wow
The Stray Cats
Darts
Tenpole Tudor
Mud, &c
#markkermode #marklamarr #retrostylings #satiricalelement

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some secular #blessings I have bestowed on David O'Doherty with mixed results:
May your dreams never be drear
May your beard be forever luxuriant
May your gags all be as fine as Flann O'Brien's
May pints of plain always be your man...
#paddywhackery #satiricalelement @phlaimeaux

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some extraordinary coincidences:
Any pro stage magician can easily replicate Uri Geller's paranormal powers
#urigeller #fraud #allmybum
9 of the 10 Ten Commandments can be found in the earlier, #Babylonian secular code of #Hammurabi
#decalogue #plagiarism #religioussyncretism

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some modules at The #Guitar Institute of Technology, California:
Basic Pinch Harmonics
Intermediate Hammering On & Bending
Advanced Sustain & Feedback
Advanced Distortion & Wigging Out
#plankspanking #satiricalelement @MIHollywood @acpgtr

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some reference works I have consulted:
AN ALPHABETICAL LIST OF GUY GARVEY'S EMINENT MUSICAL MATES VOLUME ONE: A - L
AN ALPHABETICAL LIST OF GUY GARVEY'S EMINENT MUSICAL MATES VOLUME TWO: M - Z
#elbow #guygarvey #schmoozing #satiricalelement @Guy_Garvey

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some reasons why Muslim men don't have to wear an equivalent of the burqa:
It's God's will
Allah is OK with Muslim females having impure thoughts about exposed male bodies
Patriarchal bollocks
#allmybum #godisgreat

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some unreported #miracles the #Nazarene may have effected because he had the power:
Hungry on the road, the fishers of men crave their mothers' comfort food; bread & olives, red lentil stew (Genesis 25:29-34), cakes of dried figs. Time for a modest miracle perhaps?
#wonders #PT

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some church parts of little or no interest:
Rood screen or jube
Clerestory
Reredos
Parvise
Stoup
Chancel
Transept
#praisethelord #godisgreat #dogisgreat #houseofgod #doghouse

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some questions wine connoisseurs have to contend with:
Do you ever think wine in the UK is a bourgeois affectation?
Have you ever done a blind test like the American bicentennial Judgement of Paris where the French were roundly humiliated?
How do you rate altar wine?
#oenophilia

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some characteristics of Trump's helpmeets:
Ivana - white, immigrant, basic education, shit English, model, bimbo
Marla - white, basic education, model, bimbo
Melania - white, immigrant, basic education, shit English, model, bimbo
#Trump's #intellectualequals #allmybum

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some questions #MikePence has recently had to field:
Did you ever see your former master hitting on #Ivanka?
Have you ever been afeard for your life but reassured yourself that you'll be rewarded in #Heaven?
Would you rather have been martyred by hanging or crucifixion on Jan 7?

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some Mike & Mother Pence #euphemisms:
Fundament
Posterior riposte
Natal cleft
Generative organs
Osculation
Lie with
Engage in carnal congress
Venery
Grandma's visiting from Red Creek
Gravid
With child
Blessed with issue
Onanism
Self-pollution
#smut #sin @ArfurSmith

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some #pedantic dialogue:
A: I refute that
B: Go on, then
A: What?
B: Refute it
A: I just did
B: You denied it. Refute means disprove
A: I resent your low insinuation, you pendant
#semantics #solecism #pedantry #denial #refutation #pendantry #shaunkeaveny @shaunwkeaveny

[The Hooded Gauntlet @GWhitelady]

Some accomplished sidekicks:
James Boswell
The Apostle Pete Thwaite
Bucky Barnes
Mick Ronson
Beaker
Alice B Toklas
Dec
Ant
Tenzing Norgay
Madge Allsop
Babe the blue ox
Short Round
TH Huxley
Ed Gamble
#studiedinsult #metalfatigue #allmybum #satiricalelement @matthewcrosby