Gay Raby

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

I'm not saying our pastor wanted to get home to watch football, but today's sermon went like this: "Stop doing dumb stuff. Amen."

[Jimmy Fallon @jimmyfallon]

Thank you, Lance Armstrong, for sitting down with Oprah last night. I missed the interview, but I heard it was dope. #ThankYouNoteFriday

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

I had to take performance enhancing drugs just to find the Oprah Winfrey Network.

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

The guys from 'Duck Dynasty' just nailed the national anthem.

[Jimmy Fallon @jimmyfallon]

George Lucas just got engaged to a woman 25 years younger than him. When I first heard that, I was like, "Chewbacca-wow-wow!" #FallonMono

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

Great. I have an hour to lose 40lbs.

[Gay Raby @GayRaby]

Of course he does: @BreitbartNews: NBC's Gregory Mocks NRA Security Guard Idea But Sends Own Kids to Guarded School: ”

[NEWS MAKER @NEWS_MAKER]

NJ Town Plans to Place Armed Guards in Schools... http://t.co/9UktA7ji

[donal logue @donallogue]

Let me be brutally clear: People who post their run results with the aid of NikeSportswatch+GPS do it with the sole intent of shaming you

[jersey fine @frangianni69]

a human chain along the road in CT to protect the mourners at Sandy Hook Elementary It worked, the WBC stood down. http://t.co/0YJWNX0c

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

Congrats to Miss USA on winning Miss Universe. Now please ask Miss China if you can borrow $16.8 trillion.

[donal logue @donallogue]

A decent tweet with a typo is ultimately as disappointing as as a brand new Cadillac with a dent in its bumper.

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

We should all pitch in and buy a huge humidifier for the planet. It’s dry up in here.

[jersey fine @frangianni69]

400 Bikes so far & MANY clubs to block Westboro Baptist Church protesters from being at the Newtown funerals.@sutterink @Sonny_Barger MORE

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

How about we just raise taxes on everyone who spent $299 on a pair of headphones designed by Dr. Dre?

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

COLLEGE FOOTBALL TRIVIA: Alabama has never won a game following a Justin Bieber breakup.

[NEWS MAKER @NEWS_MAKER]

LIMBAUGH: 'I went to bed last night thinking we lost the country'... http://t.co/uc0xaJdL

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

That fiscal cliff sounds even worse than one of those Cliff bars.

[NotKennyRogers @NotKennyRogers]

Because if there's one thing America needs, it's more baked skiers.

[Kimberley Strassel @KimStrassel]

In crucial I-4 corridor in Florida: In Pasco County: 89K GOP voters vs. 72K Dems. That puts GOP on 2004 turnout track. #2012