General Vitzthum

Parody Dispatches For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

The Little Brown Jug has kept score between the Yotes and Jacks since 1927. Its inscription offers a challenge: “TRY AND GET IT.” Curious words for a relic now absent from the rolls.

One wonders what hand might yet return the old prize to service.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

The northern assault proved stout and the striped arbiters did little to restore order. Yet the men in red ranks stood strong and the townsfolk made their voices heard. At the hour of decision, our aim held true.

I would take this company into any campaign.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

A green army, flying high, marches south from the northern Dakota Territory. Old rivalries bring us once more to battle.

Two flagships. One territory.

With the townsfolk at our side, we ready the big guns and shall defend every inch of the DakotaDome.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Our men have earned a most satisfying victory and the horses have been returned to their bluegrass pastures.

The road home is long and I fear our wagons shall make slower progress, for these barrels of Kentucky whiskey have added considerable weight.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Our forces make the long march southeast into Kentucky, where horse racers prepare for homecoming. Their prized steed, Racer One, marks his fiftieth year, and whiskey has been set aside for the occasion.

We have not come so far to join their celebration.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Word has reached me that President Gestring shall relinquish her post come June.

For nine years she has discharged her duties with distinction. Though her departure remains months hence, I offer my gratitude for her service and wish her well-earned repose.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

The Egyptian hounds have been brought to heel. Our men defended the flagship of the Dakotas with great honor, proving themselves remarkably adept at dog walking.

I have instructed the quartermaster to procure additional leashes.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Word has reached camp of a pack of ancient Egyptian hunting dogs advancing upon our turf. Their commander is a dangerous sort, as comfortable advancing on foot as attacking from afar.

Let them come. The Dakota Territory is no desert.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Victory.

The axes proved sharp and the Dakota Territory is secure.

We have stacked enough firewood to see us comfortably through the winter.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Our countrymen gather from across the Dakota territory for a joyous celebration while scouts report a grove of Sycamores advancing upon our beloved DakotaDome.

I confess, I have never waged war against trees.

Sharpen the axes. We have timber to fell.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

The Ice Castle stands.

Too much praise followed our retreat from the west and I fear we mistook a valiant defeat for victory. Today, we paid dearly for it.

We return home humbled and hungry.

Dakota Days awaits.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Local scribes assure me our ranks lack Dakota men & any young officer of promise shall soon be purchased by a wealthier army.

Their scouts must see farther than mine, as I was unaware the campaign had already been lost.

We march on.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Our Valley campaign begins with a march east into Ohio. Scouts report a colony of penguins fortified within an Ice Castle, led by a decorated sharpshooter deadly by land or air.

A formidable foe, indeed.

Melt the castle. Stoke the furnaces. Forge ahead.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

The lesser affairs now concluded, we turn toward the Valley.

Eight familiar adversaries await us. Four shall venture upon our soil; four we must seek upon theirs.

There shall be no strangers henceforth.

Only old foes and unsettled accounts.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

My dispatches have grown regrettably scarce. The opening weeks afforded little leisure for the pen, our forces being occupied with unfamiliar foes across distant territories.

Those affairs now concluded, I shall endeavor to keep you apprised from the field.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

The Pack grows restless with each passing day. Scouts have ridden beyond our borders and the men have been mustered.

Many campaigns lie before us. We shall meet each with resolve. Raise the red banner.

Our march begins.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Autumn camp is well underway. The ranks have been tested beneath heat and hardship. Three officers contended for command of our advance. After much trial, I have chosen one to lead the column.

Our provisions are packed.

Soon, we march.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

Summer has arrived in the Dakotas. Before first light, the men gather to strengthen their bodies beneath iron and later test their resolve beneath the sun.

Regulations presently forbid my command upon the field. Thus, my men drill amongst themselves.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

A fortnight of spring drill is now behind us. The men have taken well to instruction & their discipline improves by the day.

Today we divided our forces and permitted them to wage battle amongst themselves. Casualties were mercifully few. Progress was not.

For the Paw

[General Vitzthum @GenVitz]

Yotes,

This 6th day of February, I have received my commission to lead the forces at South Dakota.

Winter still holds the Dakota Territory, yet there is much to be done before the autumn campaign. We shall muster the men, strengthen our ranks and make ready.

For the Paw