If you feel attracted to serial killers and are even willing to worship them at some point,you might as well end your life,the world doesn't need useless pathetic crap like you
Never lose tawakkul. Your time will come. Your prayers will be answered. You'll be where you want to be. Just don't lose Allah. Enjoy the life he gave you. Appreciate your blessings. He hears your prayers and knows your needs. Everything will come to you in due time.
If u have begged for something in dua so much, know that it's only because Allah decreed for u to want that thing and to make that dua for it. And Allah would never make u put ur hands up and beg for something he won't give u. It's either u get that thing or get something better.