Tony Stark

[VP Biden (Archived) @VP44]

Happy 55th, Barack! A brother to me, a best friend forever.

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

To the lone teenage trick-or-treater who jumped the gate and crashed the WeHo party: enjoy your cash and champagne, you magnificent bastard.

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

@MapleStark_ I can think of at least one CEO I would love to get an HJ from... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

"Shall we seal the deal with a firm handjob?"

"You mean handshake?"

"...no. No, I don't."

#BusinesAsUsual

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

An intern just walked down the hall of #StarkIndustries wearing a #CaptainAmerica shirt. Are you fucking serious, kid?

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

If mixing scotch and anti-anxiety medication into my morning coffee is wrong, I don't wanna be right. #BreakfastOfChampions #Starkbucks

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

Anytime Tasha says anything in Russian:

Me: Моё судно на воздушной подушке полно угрей!

Her: WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING THAT?!

Me: да. :)

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

Got high, sent Rhodey a dick pic. Told him I was being bromiscuous. He says that's "not a thing." #bromiscuous #TotallyAThing

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

"Hey Thor, try this dank weed."

"ANOTHER." *smashes bong onto ground*

#WhyWeDontSmokeTogetherAnymore
#BudsNotBuds
#GodOfBlunder

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

I like my convertibles like I like my women... top down.

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

Can pregnant women use the HOV lane? #ShowerThoughts #CommutingForTwo

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

"Wow, it's hungover Tony Stark! Great costume, you look like a total mess!"

...thanks?

#ComicCon2016

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

If I were Thor I'd get a helmet with horns too and anytime my brother was a dick I would just head-butt him like a goat. #TakeNoteAsgard

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

@DaquineGameArmy @rpg_org It was week-old spaghetti but fortunately I rolled a 16 so it wasn't that bad despite its travels... #yum

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

"Roll for spaghetti taste." Just your usual #DungeonsandDragons sesh...

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

"I'm mad."

"Stark raving?"

Damn my hilarious puntastic last name. But props to Pepper for making a dumb joke I've heard a million times.

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

Twitter just reminded me it's #FreeSlurpeeDay. Thank God, I was down to the raisins on my trail mix. #EatSmart #SugarIsBrainFood

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

Eating #trailmix (part 2):

"Oh, boy, trail mix!"

*opens up a bag of raisins*

"WHO ATE ALL THE GOOD STUFF OUT OF THIS?"

(It was me.)

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

Eating #trailmix (part 1): Pick out the cashews. Pick out the M&Ms. Pick out the almonds. Pick out the peanuts and wish they were cashews.

[Tony Stark @GinAndDiesel]

Going to #SanDiegoComicCon2016 ? Look for me, I'll be the drunkest Tony there, as usual. #YasBitches #therealdeal