The Grand Old Duke of Twit

Herein lies the collected wit, wisdom and sayings of Duke Elon von Twittenberg.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

Peasants, dost thou not know that one must announce one's parodies? After all, the best japes must be thoroughly explained to be enjoyed!

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

@elonmusk This is why [slashing every department other than Defense] has to be done:

[Video of me explaining that the Defense Department spends too much]

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

@WhiteHouse Prithee, inform thine Lord Trump that he hast left behind his little complementary bag of party favors and small gummy treats in mine office.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

Let it herein be known: shit-talking the products of Twittenberg is the most professional of managerial behaviors! I, as Grand Duke, am entitled to crap all over the products of my serfdom!

Correcting factual errors in mine shit-talking, however, that be not professional.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

How doth one make a small fortune out of a large fortune?

Maketh a start in social media! Wait, no... that wasn't the punchline...

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

Let it be known that my motivation is merely for centrist governance, which matches the interests of most of you plebs.

Policy? Fie! No, centrist governance is achieved by deadlocking the legislature of course, so that it is maximally difficult for the government to do anything!

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

And as to my personal political commentary? I make proclamations as the liege of Twittenberg AND as normal little old me, from the same dais, often in rapid succession!

Dost thou not see I am playing two different roles when I do this? It is not hard to grasp! Not like parody.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

For Twittenberg to deserve public trust, it must be politically neutral, which means being universally offensive.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

The most beloved of aristocrats can make light of themselves.
- Nero

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

@alyankovic @DanielRadcliffe If one dost not explaineth the jape, how mayest one know to enjoy the jape?! And if one doth not explain that one is acting my good fellow, how many anyone divine that a performance is afoot?! Freedom of speech is not free, sir!

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

To independent-minded serfs:

Democracy imperils the aristocracy, therefore I recommend voting for whomever will deadlock Congress the most, given that they may pass legislation that could affect my delicate self.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

Verily I say, these smug town-cryers shall be gatekeepers of fact no more! They have grown out of touch with regular billionaires like us!

Unrelatedly I intend to withhold this blue mark of authenticity from each of you until my demands are met.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

Hear ye, hear ye! Twittenberg, which I hath purchased, shall become the ultimate village of truth! How cans't be otherwise with all these people screaming at each other all the time?

(Know also that any similarity in mine claims to those of yon TruthSocial be mere coincidence)

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

Why must all these unruly serfs seek to vex me so? If I am not given money, am I not silenced? Oh woe is me and all this useless free speech that I have just procured! Useless, worthless free speech! Truly I am being censored.

[The Grand Old Duke of Twit @GrandDukeTwit]

Woe is me! Hooligans and ne'er-do-wells are feigning to be mine noble self! We must establish a prohibition against such perfidy!

If only there was a way to certify authenticity of person? Some kind of thing that one might remove from these swindlers instead of evicting them...