Granny Hayes

A collection of strange yet hilarious classics straight from the mouth of my slightly delusional 85yo Grandmother. What I said is in CAPS, what she said isn't.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

RIP Granny ❤ 20/07/1926 - 25/07/2012 xoxo

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

DO U HAVE A CRUSH ON JACK (fellow resident) GRANNY? Oh no, he's just a friend, he hasn't tried anything.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

Pete (her son) made all these teddy bears. DID HE? Yep, he makes them for sick kids at hospital and gives me the leftovers. (he doesn't)

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

(points to photo of herself) That's my mother. NO, THAT'S YOU. No, I don't look that bad.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

(after spending an hour with 3 of her granddaughters, introduces them to a lady - ) these are my granddaughters, and their friend.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

Where's your mum? SLEEPING. Pregnant?!?

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

YOUR HAIR LOOKS NICE GRANNY. Yes well half of it takes care of itself and I wash the other half.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

(talking about her brother in law) He's nearly 100! NO HE'S NOT. Yes he's 84!

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

Do you want a cup of tea or something? Oh hang on I haven't got anything to bloody make it!

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

HOW ARE YOU GRANNY? Oh I did too much too early in my life, now I'm just bored.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

No1 does anything around here (at the retirement home), I always get up early and get things started in the kitchen.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

That light's broken. WHAT LIGHT? The big one on the wall. YOU MEAN THE TV? Yep, I can't turn it on.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

(Dad walks out of the room) he likes to wander, no1 knows he's the big boss here except for the lady who has worked here for 30 years.And me

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

2/2 Oh yes, he was cuddly. I'M SURE HE WAS, HE GAVE U 6 KIDS. Well we didn't have computers back then so the women got smashed sexually.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

1/2 (Dad pointing at a photo of his dad) WHO'S THAT MUM? My dad. NO. My son-in-law. NO. Yes, he's married to my mother. NO IT'S YOUR HUSBAND

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

I need some more jam. WHAT FLAVOUR DO YOU WANT? APRICOT? No I'm sick of that catholic stuff.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

(ten min later trying to open the window with the door handle) It’s broken now.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

(in the car) How do I close this window? (she pulls on door handle as I close her window from the driver’s side) Oh there it goes.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

Pete's my son you know. YEAH, HE'S MY DAD. Really?? We must be related.

[Granny Hayes @GrannyHayes]

WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST GRANNY? I'm not sure, ask my boss, she'll be here in a minute.