Great, I'm Retarded

It's a pun, Influenza, In"feel"enza. Get it? I'm retarded!

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

"I invited a girl from Tinder over to watch Eraserhead, and the dumb bitch, she didn't get it!"

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“I’m going to open up a private practice and call it QueefSpace.”

“I don’t like you at all anymore.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“The Burger King’s got these shorties shaking Square butt on the Nickelodeon channel?”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“One time my grandma farted.. uh, R.I.P. Doreen. Anyways, she farted and then went, “women don’t fart, they toot!!’ and then she asked for permission to say a slur.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Are you Jimin your jorts?”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Which would you prefer, sir: tripping over the nails or the rubber?”

“Oh, well we did prefer the nails, but they’re a little hard on your ass.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“You’d think these guys coming over to make a kitchen cabinet is like they came down from heaven.. They’re not that special, I built bloody miles of the things!!”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Irish women when they see their husbands”

“What, uh-oh?”

“No, ‘this thing is gonna hit me.’”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Sometimes I black out and then I Cum 2..”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“I want to cry, but I can’t, because of marijuana-induced dry eye.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Do you think I’d get banned if I said that guy looks like he fucks the shoes at bowling alleys?”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“I might be the first Final Fantasy player to pay money to become black.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

"You get a sigil on your neck if you're a guy, you get a tramp stamp that says ‘disabled parking’ if you're a woman."

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“I didn’t actively look for AI Mr. Beast on LinkedIn.”

“I don’t believe that.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“I’m like the Magneto of bald people.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Oh man, look at those guys drawing things in the snow and doing somersaults. What did they have?”

“Oh, one Corona.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“…then you get to see Zoe Kravitz’s weird tits.”

“Oh, Zoe Kravitz has weird tits?”

“Yeah, and you get to see them.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“I’m not letting out an involuntary moan at the Great Canadian Poutinerie”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“You should’ve heard what happened to my old neighbor: he divorced his wife, went to prison for five years, then he divorced his wife— well, he went to prison for five years and then he divorced his wife and moved to Mexico.”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Who would you rather get pegged by: Draven or Darius?”

*looking at a picture of Austin Butler* “I’m not answering your gay little questions…”

[Great, I'm Retarded @GreatImRetarded]

“Your dad is a better man than me, to get out of the car dukes up and start swinging on the guy. If it was me, I would’ve just killed him with my car. I don’t care, I would’ve just killed him, like fuck off!”