Matt

A dad in the dark

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

I sent my wife a dick pic on my lunch break. She didn’t respond

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

Why iare there 2 'r's in February

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

stop talking to me old cunt i’m trying to learn why the penis curves

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

Horror movie pitch: It’s the year 2033 and everyone works from home. You go to open a funny website on your work laptop, and a little emoji of your boss pops up blocking the action. Their voice suddenly booms from your speakers “Working hard, or hardly working?! Muah ha ha…”

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

I'm at the age where you see a little rain and say 'we definitely needed it'

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

The next time you climax, throw on Daughtry's 'Comin' home'. Thank me later

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

@themiketrembley i just saw a fuckin bluejay in all its glory and thought you’d appreciate that

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

You know what really grinds my gears? Downloading a porno called “Big fuckin’ titties” and the tits are c cup at most, and fake to boot. #Unimpressed #FalseAdvertising #Disgruntled

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

I told my wife she looks nice while staring at her cleavage. She was not impressed

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

if my name was nick id have the bitches call me NickOLust

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

Sometimes when i’m really mad at work i think of how fucking ridiculous my boss would look in a toga and then life’s OK

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

Sometimes i forget im using a work laptop and hope they don’t monitor me. Today they’d have seen me scroll in real close on my security cameras when a big booty bitch walked by and heard a loud “niiiiiice”

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

My favorite pornstar made her boobs smaller, and I'm watching her titty fuck now in utter disapproval.

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

I have a dream a man can ask for whatever he wants when he goes to the ice cream shop. “Can I get you anything else?” “Please, I’d like to pinch your ass cheek”

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

I’m a dad, of course i know the hour by hour weather for the next ten days

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

tball: home of the fuggliest slam pigs parenthood has to offer

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

What’s the most polite way to ask a pregnant woman if you may insert your heard into her vagina and greet the youngster early

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

Good thing people can’t read minds. Stuck in a corporate meeting today and my mind decided to wander and wonder, “what would happen if boss man suddenly demanded we all drop our trousers, and get on our hands and knees, and then contemplated which ass to plow”

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

i never made it as a wise man

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

My son is too you to talk or understand sentences, and it got me thinking i’m gonna miss not being able to talk to him so freely. Things like “i fucked your mom with a dildo last night it was awesome” and what not

[Matt @GreenR4ger]

Shit i think i’m into disco now #ItSlaps #Groovy