Phineas Grimes BA

Headmaster of St Custard's

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Did I neglect to announce the appointment of @LouiseMensch as the new St Custards School Bully? You will show her the respect she deserves.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Retirement? After only 27 years? What a wimp!

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

I am confident that all boys will be happy to tell #Gove minor that life at St Custards is just one long holiday …

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

I always had doubts about that art teacher. Digeredoo my foot!

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

St Custards chapel is now open again.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Any journalists working on North Korea story, I have a wide selection of students available. Reasonable rates, no questions asked…

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Please give a traditional St Custards welcome to new bug @justinbeiber, who has come to have some history beaten into him.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Even I am not brave enough to tell Matron she’s dead …

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Nurse #Dorries is waiting for you all in sickbay with a large bottle of #MMR. You may feel a little prick.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Today, of all days, I am proud of Old Custardians Cameron minor and Osborne minimus. Good work on #welfare, chaps.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

There is far too much talking on my timeline …

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

#Gove Minor’s new curriculum is clearly influenced by his time here at St C. His success is proof that you don’t need “critical thinking”!

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

One of the advantages of having an Old Custardian in No 11 is that there’s no chance of an increase in the price of GIN.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

@reelnewbug bribery, dear boy, bribery. Why do you think the fees are so high?

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

@reelpeason Be honest, boy. Would you notice if your teachers went out on strike?

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

I don’t know what the fuss is about. As it is, nothing gets published in The Custardian without my say so #leveson

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

It would appear we need a supply teacher for Economics. For eight months.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

Any of you so called “Beliebers” thinking of turning up to my Latin class two hours late, be warned: my caning arm is twitching.

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

I’m told that we have a new Matron, Miss Hutchings, just moved from #Eastleigh. But I haven’t seen her around school yet. Has anyone?

[Phineas Grimes BA @GrimesBA]

It’s at times like this I appreciate never having had even a single “A” rating, let alone a triple …