Gritty ~ The Lost Decades

Travel stories from the most important mascot in history.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

In 1997, I saw John Tesh do a backflip off the roof of a Sunoco while explaining compound interest to two strippers and a minor league goalie. This is how I learned both what a 529 Plan is, and that you can get salmonella from gas station egg salad.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

Found out the hard way that selling Amyl Nitrate at the Italian Market doesn’t count as a “pop-up.” My cousin Sal vouched for me in front of the zoning board by showing them a VHS of Real Sex 19: Atlantic City. They approved the permit but I still had to bribe the Mummers.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

Had a lucid dream where I was trapped in a Quiznos bathroom with Patti Smith and two expired scratch-offs. She kept whispering “cheddar is the devil’s glue” while I tried to light a Parliament with the receipt. Woke up in line at Wawa, crying.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

Worst thing about GLP-1 drugs are the vivid nightmares of Hamburglar and Bob’s Big Boy. (Best thing about them is sh00ting up right in the Rite Aid parking lot.)

John’s Roast Pork is still the 🐐!

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

Woke up this morning sweating from a Cialis nightmare about Ruth Bader Ginsberg & the 1910 Chicago Cubs. My next door neighbor was yelling about his small business plan to mimic a #Costco that only sells hot dogs, lotto, and cigarettes. Congrats, f*ck-face you invented 7-11.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

True Grit

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

It's unfortunate that non of #Philly Police Commissioner Bethel's pickpockets passed the infamous "Manayunk Test" but that's what he gets for being a Facebook man living in a Craigslist world.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

I just tried to bribe my nephew in the grocery self-checkout line with $5 bucks to explain me what’s a Dogecoin, but that little shit said my tokens are too fungible so his Nintendo Switch is about to take a half-Yeltzin off the Skuykill Expressway.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

A coworker just told me he grew up nextdoor to a Catholic Church; for kicks he would run his Dad’s loud riding-mower during Sunday Service, but he got shut down when his Mom caught him “firing up the ol’ Mass Tractor during Monsignor Sullivan’s funeral.” 🧐 FLYERS/DEVILS TUESDAY!

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

Got my Pfizer shot, only side effect is it’s making me spell all my F words with a silent P. (Which, because of sexting, is really starting to run up my data plan.)

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

When Alan Greenspan told me in 1987 that the gold standard would eventually be replaced by celebrity-backed crypto-coins, I thought he was speaking metaphorically. 🤯

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

If any DC MAGA followers were able to grab Mitch McConnell’s backup dentures, my e*bay name is SenateTeeth420..! 📢📢

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

@wordnerdonice @TheLincoln them’s fighting words...

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

Ed Roski Jr. slipped me a folded up deed to an unlicensed Mighty Ducks apparel factory just as the feds appeared to nab him and ten strange tweed business partners wearing sunglasses from the matrix film. They all demanded their one jail-call. My phone blew up mid Rizzoli & Isles

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

Steve Bannon once asked if I wanted to help steal the bone density scanners at a NJ convalescent home but his wheelman had that sideways pirate stare that makes ya wonder if you remembered to mail Nana a check for the Mahjong tourney. Punched ‘em both. 4 stars, would punch again.

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

1992: My condolences to the abandoned tile factory in Fort Wayne Indiana. Some days, a rust-belt dust-up with drunk crust punk thugs is the only way to convince Reverend Horton Club-Drugs to stop spinning Bollywood remixes of Lust for Life by Igward Pop & The Stooges. #stenchcore

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

@ethanjsacks @ElectricDracula Yukon Cornelius finds Stanley Cup in a S. Philly shipping container w/ rescued statue of Frank Rizzo that the Gravy Seals are sneaking to Sicily. Friend & private dick Animatronic Jerry Orbach: “I get the racist statue but why the hockey grail? Rabbit holes this deep need Grit..”

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

I have a card-board cutout of everyone I’ve ever met in person.
In a storage locker in Phoenixville.
#nhl #Flyers #hannibal #mindhunter #dexter #frozen #disney

[Gritty ~ The Lost Decades @GrittyStories]

I played goalie once when Bolsonaro scored a Bolivian Hat Trick against Alberto Fernandez. ((That’s when you net five goals but the last two proceed a quick schneef-sneak in between line changes.)) Satellite from Google Planet Earth will confirm. #Bolsonaro #hockey #MacDonaldHall