Zein Alali

croissant

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

You know things are bad when even Bretts and Chads are divided

[Sebastian Ullrich @derKha]

Jokes are such a weird thing to exist... it's like the brain going "Ohoho, you fooled my branch predictor? I'll give you some nice neurotransmitters for that"

[Fred Delicious 🍆 @Fred_Delicious]

Hearing reports that Trump was completely nude when he fired Rosenstein. His nurses were bathing him when he broke free and crab-walked into the Oval Office, completely silent except for his moist thighs slapping together.

[NYT Science @NYTScience]

Why did scientists give ecstasy to octopuses? It wasn't in the name of peace, love, unity and respect and a hope that the cephalopods would emerge from their tanks to wait for an eight-tentacled D.J. to drop the bass. https://t.co/IPtN3bdW7a

[chip malfunction @online_shawn]

A cat heroically struggling to call 911 with his paws while you watch, dying and helpless on the floor, but he's using the tv remote

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Seagull With Diarrhea Barely Makes It To Crowded Beach In Time https://t.co/3RR2xHMaIc

[Zein Alali @GucciZein]

Going in to work hungover like

[Co D. Ranks @CRankinit69]

My bop it: bop it

Me: *bops it*

Bop it: oh yeah, twist it

Me: uhh weird *twists it*

Bop it: pull it

Me: *pulls it*

Bop it: HARDER

Me: ..... wtf

Bop it: fuck me

[brent @murrman5]

me: so I’ll walk like a newborn horse?
doctor explaining the side effects of my medication: but you won’t have heartburn

[Soulja Boy @souljaboy]

In this world you either crank that soulja boy or it cranks you

[Zein Alali @GucciZein]

@sam_ennis Nice

[Bob Vulfov @bobvulfov]

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

[eric curtin @dubstep4dads]

[on my deathbed]
me: a....ah.....
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah...... alexa...... play despacito

[Andrew Bloch @AndrewBloch]

This is how German TV is covering Donald Trump in London.

#TrumpVisitUK #TrumpBabyBlimp #TrumpBaby #TrumpProtests

[Zein Alali @GucciZein]

All summer long ☀️ we even got the same hair

[Zein Alali @GucciZein]

I like all my snek

[Pitch @pitchjokes]

Better names for snakes:
-land eel
-mr. no-shoulders
-danger noodle
-aggressive twig
-bitey rope
-jeff
-hiss tube