H.A. Franklin

[Tig Notaro @TigNotaro]

Do guide dogs pick up their own poop? How does that work?

[🇩🇴Thick Shady🇵🇷 @BubblesNBuns]

Fam. HE IS READY 😭😂

[Netflix @netflix]

I've seen a lot of talk about Ted Bundy’s alleged hotness and would like to gently remind everyone that there are literally THOUSANDS of hot men on the service — almost all of whom are not convicted serial murderers

[Steve Peoples @sppeoples]

Seconds into Howard Schultz’s remarks here at Barnes & Noble in Manhattan, a heckler yells: “Don’t help elect Trump. You egotistical billionaire asshole.”

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

Finally, a chance for the White House to be occupied by an out-of-touch billionaire whose business has a history of racial discrimination

[Charlotte Clymer 🇺🇦 @cmclymer]

If a woman murdered five men execution style, followed by another woman murdering five other people, both of them with apparent anti-male bias, we'd see a serious discussion about gun reform on every cable network followed by some kind of legislation. I guarantee it.

[LeGate @williamlegate]

If Trump really wanted to see Hillary locked up, he should’ve just hired her to work on his campaign.

[Abby D. Phillip @abbydphillip]

Let's not forget this. Untold numbers of people will never recover 4 weeks of lost pay.

[Sam Stryker @sbstryker]

Five years, countless LaCroixs, and one insane argument with Rooney Mara's publicist later, my time is up at BuzzFeed. I'll say it again: The people at this company (staying and going) made this place great. It's bee real.

To paraphrase Kris Jenner: "I did amazing, sweetie."

[Adam Parkhomenko @AdamParkhomenko]

Pelosi is going to have to add Trump to her disclosure forms where it asks for a list of assets she owns.

[Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome]

I am starting a petition for the Democrats to let @iamcardib give the rebuttal to the SOTU. Sign it by retweeting this!

[Tig Notaro @TigNotaro]

Accidentally killed another cactus and now one of my plants is growing towards the phone to call the cops.

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

He thinks grocery stores are his dad

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

Look, I just refuse to believe this man could be guilty of such an over-the-top crime

[Brendan Karet @bad_takes]

what

[Kyle Griffin @kylegriffin1]

Michael Bennet slams Ted Cruz: "These crocodile tears that the Senator from Texas is crying for first responders are too hard for me to take ... because when the Senator from Texas shut this government down in 2013, my state was flooded." Via CSPAN

[Dan Rather @DanRather]

It’s like we’re living through a real-life civics course... as imagined by Rod Serling.