Johnny Jobs

Tweeting things we wish we could say in HR but can't.

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Old dude: I'm out of job so I put "Semi-retired" on my resume.

Professional Resume Writer: No, you're a "Consultant" now.

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

When interviewing older candidates I frequently will interject with the phrase, "Back in my day" so to put them at ease. #TheMoreYouKnow

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Me: "I think it's time we start seeing other people."

Employee: ?

Me: "like daily, at another office, you're fired."

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Company pictures next week so I’m off to get a tee made with “Fuck Brad in Sales!” on it!

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Just a thought - wouldn't a great retirement gift for your employees be a certificate for a paid funeral? #WereInvestingInYourFuture

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Raise your hand if death by employee file audit sounds kind of nice.

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

I found out today if you cry in the bathroom at work without moving too much, the lights will automatically turn off and you can continue crying in the dark. #HR #Careers

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Sometimes I don't hire someone because they're so attractive I Know they never had to work for anything in life.

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

"I'm not feeling myself today, can I feel you." - Todd from Accounting

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

There's always an explanation, it's whether or not you are deemed worthy. - Empty HR seat at the table

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

How many Weight Watcher's points are in a glass of employee tears?

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Billion dollar idea:

Sister wives job sharing app

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

I'm a complete employee advocate until one of them mentions Christmas in January.

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

It's been 3,275 days since I've been mentioned in an employee's suicide note. How's your HR career going?

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

I'm full of gin, employee sexual harassment stories, and fun.

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

One of the most terrifying statements to ever have a boss say to you:

"Hey, do you have a minute, I've got this opportunity I want to talk to you about?"

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Can you imagine how annoying it would be to work at Amazon and your name is Alexa?

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

My Pinterest is just LinkedIn profiles of people I've fired...

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

We don't have a dress code, but if you wear Crocs to work your ass is getting fired.

[Johnny Jobs @HR_Said_What]

Hey leaders! Just a heads up, disingenuous is not something you want to aspire to.