Wade Hampton

I am an idiot living in Seattle.

IG: WaydHampton

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Like most people, I'm tired of @elonmusk and his bullshit.

I've been on Twitter since the very early days, I loved this place when no one else did. I'm not deleting my account, but I'm effectively gone.

Please catch me and my comedy over on Threads:

https://t.co/eWUdAR5UzC

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

I'm going to go ahead and say it:

No matter how common sense and in the interest of public safety, laws that restrict fireworks are un-American.

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Instead of simply missing a match and getting passed over, I want folks to be able to see "Oh God, hell no. What's wrong with you?"

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Hear me out,

On #Tinder,

A Super DIS-Like.

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Instead of simply missing a match and getting passed over, I want folks to be able to see "Oh God, hell no. What's wrong with you?"

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

I love watching people try to explain meditation to men.

You do realize that thinking of nothing at all is kind of the default for most of us, right?

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

I grew up #JehovahsWitness and they famously do not accept blood transfusions. The idea is blood is sacred and belongs to God.

At this point in my life, my blood is 78% gin.

If I need surgery and God gets angry at me, "Shut up dude, relax. It's just Type O+ Bombay Sapphire."

[Lexi Where This Goes, MILF Arc @LexiWhereShesAt]

Pride month is off to an interesting start

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

That's like apologizing because you had a light procedure at your OB/GYN today, there's some mild discomfort so no vaginal stuff. You're so sorry.

But would it be okay if you just gave a completely gratis blowjob, then skip straight to anal?

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

My date said she's stressed from work and asked if we could keep things low key. Would it be okay to cancel going out and just come over instead?

And apologized about it!

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Apologizing about skipping all the boring and expensive stuff and going straight to the "come over to my bed" part?!

That's like asking a 9 year old if he wants to skip the brussel sprouts and meatloaf, then just go straight to the ice cream part.

[drewlopezisajoke @YoursDrewly93]

Post nut clarity? Oh, you mean cumming to your senses 😏

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Men go to therapy for the same reason we wash our hands in a public restroom:

Because we think someone else is watching.

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Happy #MothersDay2023

The day that reminds me of just how low the standards are sometimes.

Really, mom? You let THAT guy jizz inside you in order to make me?

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

I miss the days when "all politicians are liars," meant they failed to live up to campaign promises.

Not "openly lying to our faces all the time about easily disproven facts."

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Question to #Parents:

Do you know how happy it makes us #childfree folk when we see the defeated look on your face when you're clearly tired of someone your kids are doing?

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

*Cooking*

Rational me: Now Wade. Be careful, don't put too much garlic in it.

Rest of me: Shut up, nerd! Garlic that shit!

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

@chris_cologne__ You just be yourself. They can be interested in you for the real you or they can keep missing out.

[Wade Hampton @HalfCentaur]

Chaotic neutral moments:

Telling a random couple on the street that they're a cute couple, "but you could do better."

Without hinting, looking at, or specifying which one you're talking about.

[Seattle Kraken @SeattleKraken]

#SEAKRAKEN TAKE A 3-2 SERIES LEAD!!