Uncle Chuck

This all sounded a lot better in my head.

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

My kids are like latchkey kids, but only on weekend mornings when they have to fend for themselves for five hours while we sleep.

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

I’m never more done with parenting than I am at 7:30 on Sunday night.

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

Every time I start to think I might be worthy of love, I remember what I look like when I eat chips and salsa.

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

I almost didn’t have a second kid; it was a tough call. But thank god I did, because he peed all over the kitchen floor today, so it was totally worth it.

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

Have kids so instead of waking up with an alarm clock and a cup of coffee you can repeatedly ask them to get dressed and then scream “WHAT THE FUCK!” in earsplitting rage when you’re already late and they can’t find their shoes.

[Dad and Buried @DadandBuried]

People act like your life is irrevocably changed once you have kids but that’s really only if you care about them.

[Uncle Chuck @Hardly_Charlie]

With the way life has been going I’ll be operating a Ferris wheel in no time. Early 30’s are prime carny years I hear.

[Uncle Chuck @Hardly_Charlie]

Girls softball games always sound like a middle eastern protest. Can’t you suck at your sport quietly?

[Uncle Chuck @Hardly_Charlie]

I’m gonna go as mentally and financially stable for Halloween this year.

[Uncle Chuck @Hardly_Charlie]

I believe the beeping rear seat reminder in new cars was invented because of me. You know how many times I’ve told my kids “hey I’m just running into this Major League Baseball game real quick so sit tight.” I’m a season ticket holder so..

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

It’s only speeding if you get caught 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

Mental Health is important.. so for Your benefit and for everyone that has to interact with you.. Make it a priority

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

Don’t ever ask me for money
I don’t have any

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

Marriage is like legally adopting a man-child that helps pay bills

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

If you don’t whisper WTF to yourself multiple times throughout the day are you even human?

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

He’s an atheist... of course he eats ass

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

My autocorrect is being a real ducking butch today 🤬

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

I don’t always think about sex..
Sometimes I think about fucking 🤷🏽‍♀️

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

Can y’all share your favorite songs with me? I need to update my playlist...

Please and thank you 🙏🏽

[Magically Delicious 🦄 @Free_Spirit_713]

Good Dads = Sexy Asf