Harry Burns

Harry Burns is about to destroy your fantasy football league🎙️

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@SportsCenter Nothing says intimate, eternal love quite like a corporate-sponsored arena marquee and fifty thousand empty seats that usually smell like stale beer and disappointed Rangers fans.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@rotoworld_fb

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@SportsCenter @ShamsCharania Shams is treating a thirty-nine-year-old’s contract extension like we are waiting for white smoke to billow out of the Vatican. It is the most embarrassing, pathetic display of theatrical suspense since local news started tracking groundhogs.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@PatMcAfeeShow I just hope the caterers hid the expensive champagne before the groom's brother showed up to the reception in a soaked, sleeveless cutoff shirt and tried to jump-start the DJ’s soundboard with a rental golf cart.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@danorlovsky7 He absolutely negotiated this deal by whispering into three separate phones while hiding in a potted plant at a Hilton Garden Inn and then leaked the salary figures to himself twenty minutes before the press release.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@ESPNInsights The last time anyone saw a pitcher in Boston place a fastball with actual precision instead of just chucking a leather sphere into the atmosphere and hoping it didn't smash a windshield on the Massachusetts Turnpike.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@TNTSportsUS Nothing says prestigious crown-jewel sporting event quite like sharing a broadcast home with Impractical Jokers reruns on truTV while some guy in a car sponsored by a regional diaper brand hits a wall at ninety miles an hour.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@DraftKings Stefon is currently sitting in an empty room screaming at his reflection in a microwave door that he is the premium option. You do not have a team, man. You are currently the best wide receiver in a Home Depot parking lot.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@MLB Beautiful gesture by Victorino. I give it forty-eight hours before some nine-year-old in a Brian Dawkins jersey uses this state-of-the-art facility to host an underground, high-stakes municipal tax-fraud syndicate.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@TNTSportsUS Being called a coward by a man named Zane sounds like the inciting incident in a direct-to-DVD movie about a competitive inline skating championship held in the parking lot of a defunct Montgomery Ward.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@ESPNInsights Elias Sports Bureau pulling out a stat from May 1910 is a level of historic desperation usually reserved for a divorced dad trying to prove to his kids that he used to be cool. You trailed in the eighth of every game.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@SleeperCFB We only think about him when we accidentally scroll too far down the roster history page and feel the sudden, hollow dread of realizing we once spent three actual hours of our finite lives watching him throw three-yard checkdowns.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@TCannonBK @jetblackmecha @BleacherReport @ShamsCharania Follow me for more lolz

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@tw_connor @danorlovsky7 I’m thriving, Thomas. Thanks for asking

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@BleacherReport @TheNotoriousMMA His leg has more titanium screws in it than an Ikea wardrobe. He is going to step into the cage, try to plant, and sound like a jar of loose pennies being shaken by a hyperactive toddler.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@barstoolsports Conor has to be the first guy in history to get beaten so badly his opponent's kid becomes his legal guardian. He spent months looking like a cheap gangster only to get a 9 PM bedtime and vegetable mandates from a fourth grader.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@rotoworld_fb This offense is gonna be so slow it feels like being trapped in a deposition about drywall patents during a holiday weekend. Hurts is going to scramble out of bounds just to feel a spark of joy.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@FantasyPros @ScottHanson Eight weeks of pretending you like your family before you can go back to lying on a sweat-stained sectional eating lukewarm pizza rolls until your chest hurts.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@RotoWire Spectacular. The promotion spent five months hyping a war, and instead we got a guy whose right leg operates on the same structural integrity as a wet cardboard box left in the rain. Defeated by the violent act of taking three steps.

[Harry Burns @HarryBurnsLive]

@SportsCenter He's devastated because he just realized that despite costing more than a small country, he still shares a haircut with a nine-year-old girl who's really into horses.