HeilmannsSecret

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Just like @KDTrey5, I told my boss I want to be traded. Unlike with KD, my boss says “What do you think we can get for a washed up mediocre worker that drinks too much?” That’s right! He thinks I’m mediocre! #HeardItHereFirst #JokesOnHim #LowStandards

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Wanted to try a restaurant, so I made up a work meeting there. The company pays and it looks like I have friends. #Genius #ProTip #NotReallyFriends #Splitsies #TimeForAnotherRoundBarkeep

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

@KDTrey5 I'm genuinely curious why @KDTrey5 responds to Twitter nerds? These dweebs wouldn't be in the discussion for best player on the court if they were out there alone. Yet, they blast one of the top players in the entire world?

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

When your favorite NFL team finally makes the playoffs, what do you do? Act like you’re in college again and buy some mini bottles of @Fireball! #EasyToHide #BecauseTheyAreCheap #BecauseImCheap #Alcoholism #WhoDey #ComeOnMan

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

I’ve been in all-day training today for work. I think the trainer is challenging me by being drunker than I am. That will not happen - time to crack up my afternoon 30-pack! #UpForAChallenge #HeSeemsReallyDrunk #BringItOnBigBoy #BeerBong

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Just had my third grader, who is working on math at home, tell me “I need some help, but it’s pretty hard. I’m not sure you’ll understand it.” #ShesNotWrong #SmarterThanMe #ImPrettyWastedThough

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Just saw a political article online about some republican dude talking about @AOC’s boyfriend’s feet. She responded - he’s just mad he can’t date her. Good thing nothing important going on that our representatives should be paying attention to! #ThisIsAmerica #WhereAreTheAdults

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

My goal for 2022 is to work on my drinking. No, not drinking less, I’m talking about my actual technique. I’m wasting too much time in between beers doing stuff like working and sleeping! #Efficient #ThisIsMyYear #ImNotReallyWorking #GoodToBeSortOfInCharge

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Getting ready for a roadtrip with another grown man. Only thing left to do is make the #ShowTune playlist! #StraightestThingIveEverDone #LeMen #DudesOnly

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

I’m considering running for political office. Judging by what I’m seeing out of current political people, I should kick-start my career by tweeting outlandish nonsense. Man, this is going to be difficult for me. #TimeToGetCrazy #ProbablyNeedaDrinkFirst #TheyAllSeemInsane

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Man, it’s been a long day. Getting #blackoutdrunk before lunch wasn’t a good idea. Nope, it was a GREAT idea! #30Pack #NoneLeft #BeerBong #HairOfTheDog #GoodToBeInCharge

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Pro Tip: When pouring #Budlight into a water bottle for long Zoom meetings, make sure it’s NOT a clear bottle. #WhatchaDrinkin #KingOfBeers #DontWorryItsBeer #BlackOutMonday

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

How long do you think cranberry sauce stays edible? My body is telling less than however old mine is. #VideoCallFromBathroom #WorthIt #StillGoingToEatIt

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Being forced to listen to #JLo “sing” and watch #arod “dance” is a fitting end to #2020 #dumpsterfire #enoughalready #bringon2021 #haventwesufferedenough #JLOBEAUTY

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Quarantine sure goes by quickly when you black out by 5pm every day! #HairOfTheDog #ItsGoodToBeInCharge #BankersHours #FallDownDrunk #WhiteGuyWasted #AintNoLawsWhenYoureDrinkingClaws

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Forgot to charge my car again last night. Someone pick me up for work? Surely, not everyone goes to work on time, right? Unrelated, I will need a ride home around 4:00. #NoRange #BummerMW #ItsGoodToBeInCharge #BankersHours

[Typical Gamer 🇵🇹 @TypicalGamer]

While we wait for Fortnite to come back I’m doing an Xbox One giveaway. Retweet and make sure to follow so I can DM you if you win!

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Did this and headed home at lunch. #SuckIt #GoodToBeInCharge #AboveTheLaw

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Tuesdays are for Tijuana Lasagna! #NotMexican #NotItalian #Mexitalian #Foodie #TickingTimeBomb #ClearTheRunway #CodeBrown #GottaGO

[HeilmannsSecret @HeilmannsSecret]

Just going to leave this here: https://t.co/Ot5SwShpBx #BestOfYoutube #GreatVid #CantTopIt #EvenMadeJKLaugh #ThatsNotEasy