Johanna Heisel

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

This line for the bathroom at Starbucks is longer than kim kardashians whole marriage.

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

It's crazy how tornadoes know which states don't matter to us

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

The older Cameron Diaz gets, the more she and Mickey Rourke look like brothers

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

Shit happens. Just flush the toilet and move on.

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

Ironically, seeing a picture of you flashing a peace sign makes me want to violently end your life

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

Dear GPS, Please add an, "avoid ghetto" option. Sincerely, Scared

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

I never really understood porn. I mean what does she really see in him? I doubt he even loves her

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

If I didn't have to pee, I'd probably never get out of bed.

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

If I pour superglue into a non-stick frying pan, somebody is going to be wrong, right?

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

We get it, Charmin. Bears love to shit

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

It's crazy how tornadoes know which states don't matter to us

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

Hm. Not sure whether to scold my son for chasing the cat or thank the cat for excersizing my son...

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

girls you can't take a picture in slutty clothing and glasses and label it "nerd lol" you're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

Unless you're going to tell me there's a sniper target on me, it's okay, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

If you want to piss off a fat person, just date their ex. They hate when someone messes with their leftovers

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

It makes more sense to dump Gatorade on the losing head coach.

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

Held A door open for an Asian man today he said "sank you"... He better not be referring to pearl harbor

[Johanna Heisel @Heiselto]

Alcohol is like real life photoshop for ugly people.