Stacie

A salted mackerel in the corner of the room.

[Mr PitBull Stories @MrPitbull07]

Telling an eighty-year-old woman to "check the portal" for serious biopsy results is cruelty disguised as digital efficiency.

My 82-year-old aunt had a lung biopsy done two weeks ago.

The doctor told her they’d have the pathology report ready within five business days.

Friday afternoon rolled around. No call.
She dialed the clinic’s main desk, her voice shaking with anxiety.

The receptionist cut her off before she could finish explaining:

“Doctor doesn’t give results over the phone anymore. All lab findings are automatically released to your MyChart patient portal.”

My aunt said, “Sweetheart, I don’t have a computer. I have a landline on my kitchen wall. Can the doctor just tell me if I have cancer?”

The receptionist sighed into the receiver:
“It’s hospital network policy. We can’t bypass the portal. You’ll have to have a family member create an account and view the file.”

My aunt spent an entire seventy-two-hour weekend sitting in her recliner, gripping her reading glasses, convinced she was dying.

I drove out to her house on Monday morning, set up a profile on my laptop, and pulled up the records.

The result was benign.

The pathology report had been uploaded four days earlier.

A doctor spent three minutes clicking an upload button, and an elderly woman endured four days of sheer psychological terror because the hospital decided a phone call was too expensive.

Since when did delivering medical news become a self-service task?

[No Context Cats @nocontextscats]

NOOOOOOOO

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@wehohank_ ACWW my childhood 🥹🥹

[Chris D. Jackson @ChrisDJackson]

My Lord.

@JoeBiden, 83 years old, battling Stage 4 cancer that has spread to his bones, stood for HOURS alongside @DrBiden as the names of 9/11 victims were read.

Donald Trump fell asleep at the 9/11 event at the Pentagon.

One showed respect despite his pain. The other couldn't even stay awake.

Trump is an embarrassment to the nation and the office he holds.

Really says it all.

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@ashhhhhhole I hope your dog ended up being okay 💕

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@hardcoreba13614 @thetimes Are... are you okay?

[🌿O.G. Botanist Johnson 🌿 @Thugg_Speedman]

All I’m saying is….he felt Bonita after this….

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@GokartsWindsor @itsnwts I don't think women want you to

[‏ً @itsnwts]

UNPOPULAR OPINION: The moment men are so afraid of having a finger stuck up their butt to perform a lifesaving cancer screening so they come up with a blood test for it instead. Meanwhile women have been getting cracked open with the original speculum from 180 years ago and nobody seems to care.

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@levillaneve @beyoncegarden They have more than one cat??

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@GooDDk6996 @Camsiyonna1 Ok rapist

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

Do y'all remember when Melanie Martinez literally r*ped someone and didn't get cancelled 🫠🫠

[Felonie Charts @FelonieCharts]

Do yall remember when Melanie Martinez scammed her fans by charging 400 dollars and making them think they would meet her, only for them to just get a laggy animation of her added next to them as a filter 😭😭

[Touya! ★ @Touyarokii]

Hey so this is actually terrifying

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@JakeEaglelmao @MibshaD Shut the fuck up

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊🌖 @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[Stacie @Heisenberger_]

@saniyafatma1278 Sending love 💕

[Kathleen @tmszhjh88]

This perspective is just too powerful

[harry @harry]

My cat died yesterday so I want to share exactly who she was with these two photos