Heiser®™

Hello my name is alcoholic and I am a Heiser.

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

"Wait, are you the guy who gets drunk and yells at people about history stuff?"
-Yep.

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

30 second YouTube adds with no skip are the worst crimes against humanity since that Hitler dude did that stuff back when.

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

Guy in front of me has been slowly scrollin up & down, nodding his head to a picture of a pizza for 12min do I call the cops or the hospital

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches us tht having a unique disability is ok, but only if it serves a practical purpose.
#ReindeerAreDicks

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

"So what did you do all day?"
Me:

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

@BiiggJerm @dblstarter12 Eat a bag of herpes ridden cancer dicks Jerm

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

@dblstarter12 honestly, I kind of want to do nothing but suck beer all day and forget yesterday ever happened

[Snoop Dogg @SnoopDogg]

https://t.co/WaueL9Ocf0

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

@MaxMiller_20

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

What the actual fuck.

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

If Trump wins I swear to God I will not sober up until 2020 or the end of days, whichever comes first.

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

Hey @CNN : cutting out to say a state is too close to call is not a goddamn "key race alert". Calm your rating who're ads down

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

@MaxMiller_20 cause your boys about to get his racist, homophobic, xenophobic, molesting, cheating, lying, spray-tanned ass beat!

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

Pretty please...

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

Kids in Africa be like:
#WorldSeries

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

I guaran-fucking-ty you they will invent a device that reads any book or article to u the day after I graduate college.
Fuck you scientists.

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

Today I almost crashed my car squinting to read what turned out to be a billboard for an eye doctor.
Well played, asshole.

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

If you're buying beer in highschool it's better to look 41 instead of 21

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

Alright guys, I think it's time we just call "Mulligan" on this 1 and start the election over from square 1 #MistakesWereMade #WeDoneGoofed

[Heiser®™ @HeiserJacob]

@joey_wilson78 Red Reddington has absolutely 0 concept of "chill"