Heather Pasternak

Comedian, cat whisperer, c🙌🏻nt

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

My husband told me our toddler’s shit didn’t stink which was a really fun way to find out my husband has Covid

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

There are two kinds of people in this world: the kind that don’t like listening to voice notes and the kind that are trying to kill us

[Jade Catta-Preta/Jaji @JadeCattaPreta]

Guys this show is helping homeless youth, roll through and show some love @Hahacafecomedy @HelloPasternak @ChrisEstrada85 @JamesStanly

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

Happy holidays y’all! It’s like they say, the holidays are for feeling sad and getting coffee with your ex 🥰✨

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

Being a mom is like working out, I don’t wanna do it

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

I just want my husband to lust after me the way mosquitoes do

[Jade Catta-Preta/Jaji @JadeCattaPreta]

VEGAS!! We’re here all weekend, come celebrate pride with us. @HelloPasternak
@lindsayames @jimmykimmelscomedyclub OCT 5-8. TIX in my linktree! #vegays

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

@Imlaurencompton LOL PASS ME AROUND FELLAS

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

My whole personality today is “should work out but just going to be a bitch instead” thank you for your support

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

I ate too many figs and now my tongue hurts, so yeah… I party 😏

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

As a parent I have a lot of concerns like “When can I lay down?” and “How can I be laying down more?”

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

I don’t get it but I want to -a memoir

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

“I want you to come home just once without accusing me of jerking off while you were gone” -cute shit my husband says 🥰

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

Pool days are so important because let’s face it, we’re not real friends until you’ve seen the cellulite on my ass

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

Me: I don’t have anxiety

Also me: Can I unsend an email after five years?

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

It’s like the saying goes, “ask and you shall …wish you never asked”

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

@chrisfairbanks @DynarPodcast So cool!!!

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

My morning affirmations be like:

*kicks off the sheets*
Nothing can stop me!!!!

… Except maybe how comfy this bed is right now
*re-wraps self like a sleepy burrito*

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

!!! https://t.co/WnDY67X0dO.

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

When an invitation says “no gifts” is it a test? And if it’s not a test, why does it feel like one?

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

Tell me you’re from LA without telling me you’re from LA

[Heather Pasternak @HelloPasternak]

My love language is when you cancel on me before I cancel on you 😏