Jessica Rosas

a pretty little man

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

405 is actually the number of years it will take them to complete the freeway.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

@waybackwayback Accidentes is a personal favorite.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

As far as billboards go, Yamaava is the new Shen Yun.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I’ve gotten so quick at filming self tapes. Now if I could just get better at booking the jobs.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

The cutest thing about the cup is that it’s name is Stanley.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I might be a little weird, but you have to understand, I grew up watching SpongeBob eat a bucket of his own arms like popcorn.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I bought these bagel thins and it’s literally like someone drew a picture of a bagel, cut it out, and now I’m eating it.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I work in a bitcoin mine.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

People always say come out of your shell. But, there’s nothing in here! This is it. I AM THE SHELL.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

Liking picture of baby I never met and never will, so that their parent books me on shows.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

Worst comedy show idea: every audience member also has a microphone.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I am now selling my own personal information. Buy straight from the source! No third party hassle. Cash only. Will not accept cookies.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

Sometimes I get ads for really cool clothes and then I realize they’re made for a toddler.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

Barista asked me if I had any Halloween plans. It happened already, Halloween is over.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I think the next thing I gotta do to step up my comedy game is get one of those little jumpsuits everyone wears onstage.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I go to Planet Fitness because it’s perfectly acceptable to drink a frappe on the treadmill here.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

For the start of Hispanic Heritage Month, I would like to share my family’s burrito recipe:
Open one end of wrapper. Microwave 1:30, flipping half way through cook time. Enjoy.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I don’t need 5-Hour Energy I need You’re-Already-10-Minutes-Late energy.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

These Jimmy Buffet parades look like my worst nightmare Wednesday lunch rush.

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

@SanchoComedy Lmao once they used pic of me wearing a wig from a sketch on a casino billboard

[Jessica Rosas @HeyJessicaRosas]

I love comedy bookers that dont ask for a headshot, instead they scroll down your page and crop the most random pic.