Hidden Almanac Feast Days

Hagiography according to Ursula Vernon and Kevin Sonney's Hidden Almanac podcast. (Go listen! It is delightful)
NOT REAL SAINTS.
Yr scribe is @vivelabagatelle

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

"If you are afraid, remember the courage of seeds, which are alone in the earth. They are given no encouragement and no direction and yet they break out of their tiny walls in their hundreds and thousands and grow upwards to the light." (2017-02-01)

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

21 March: It is the Feast Day of the Martyr of Hunger, who - oh man, that's nasty, let's not do that one. Geez, that'll give you nightmares.
Don't pray for miracles, kids, unless you're willing to deal with the ramifications! Yikes.
#PastorDromTweets

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

21 March: It is the Feast Day of Saint Dwight, patron of unpleasant growths. He attained sainthood when he developed a boil in the shape of Our Lord. His representations are unfortunate and his worshippers are thankfully few.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

20 March: Feast of St Giles of Morfolk. A minor saint, whose most significant miracle was the curing of gout. The cathedral of Morfolk maintains his relics and has several stained glass images of Giles, a large, pleasant-looking man with a tonsure and, for some reason, a chicken.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

19th March: Feast Day of Saint Petroushka, patron of jesters. This particular saint appears to derive from the Eastern Orthodox tradition and has questionable theological roots. St. Petroushka is usually portrayed in red, carrying a sausage, with which he smites his enemies.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

25th February: It is the Feast Day of the Oakbark Mocker.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

25 Feb—Feast of St Karen of Price, patron of washerwomen. The town of Price is famous for
hot springs, in which Karen washed the clothing of the village children for 60 years. For her selfless dedication to laundry, she was elevated to sainthood in the reign of the Lobster Pope.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

24 Feb: Feast of St Anna Cervinius, patron of deer diseases. Invoked to protect, or to summon them in times of overpopulation. Represented as a woman wearing a deer skull mask, a live fawn in her arms. In ancient times, wasting disease in deer or elk was“St. Anna’s Blight.”

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

The animals of the forest came to it and were saved from freezing. A lost forester followed the light and said that she beheld the flame burning even as it snowed, while all around it, fierce and gentle beasts stood side by side. 2/2

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

24 Feb: Feast Day of the Burning Low. A ‘low’ in the Highlands dialects was a seasonal wetland. In a dry year, one low caught fire. Skunk cabbage was blazing like torches. Such extremes of weather are not usually celebrated, but the Low continued to burn through an ice storm.1/2

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

@repairrestores1 @sosomanysarahs Love these! I did not know I was missing Stolen Sofa poetry in my life.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

23 Feb: Feast Day of the Remaindered Sofa. Probably not an actual feast day but no one can determine the origin or if the name is a mangled translation of something more plausible. It appears on several ecclesiastical calendars, and may trace back to a single scribe in Gant.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

23 February: It is the Feast Day of Moderately Priced Compact Cars. There is some doubt as to whether this feast day is rooted in any historical events, but the hagiographers at Royal Motors assure us that it is historically accurate. Indeed.

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

22nd February is the Feast Day of Small Disgruntled Animals

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

19th February was the Feast Day of the East Wind. Watch for white bears who wish to marry your daughters. If you do not have daughters, watch for white bears who wish to devour your face.

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Their foundling house, “Sons of the Holy Seven” remained in operation for several centuries and provided orphans with three square meals a day and a solid grounding in business management. 2/2

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

18 Feb was the Feast of the Holy Seven, a group of businessmen of the city who abandoned their worldly goods to take holy orders. They founded a monastic order and made a great deal of money, largely by accident, which they gave away repeatedly to other orders and the poor. 1/2

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

Later exaggeration turned the outpost into a great citadel, the raiders into a pagan army, and what was likely a hastily-felled tree into multiple siege engines. An example is the hymn “Knocking At The Gates”—minimal historical veracity but a charming gospel song nonetheless. 3/3

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

18 Feb—Feast of the Saint of Doors, who possessed the power to make doors open or close at his bidding. When an outpost was set upon by raiders, the saint ordered the doors to hold, and hold they did, against sword, fire and an improvised battering ram. 1/3

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

While most hagiographers believe that this saint is merely a religious patina placed on the god Janus, Keeper of Thresholds, there is some evidence that a person named Eric of Rotham did exist in approximately 1200, who likely served as the inspiration for the Saint of Doors. 2/3

[Hidden Almanac Feast Days @HiddenFeastDays]

16th February is the Feast Day of the Celestial Goose. Honk.