Hiker Royalty

HIKER ROYALTY

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Today’s shower thought: If a thief breaks into my house armed with a cordless Dyson vacuum he will have rendered my german shepherd and pitbull useless.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Is there a way to tell the algorithm that it won, I bought the product, and to please stop showing me ads for it?

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

The year was 1910. You walked into Ellis Island and said “Hi my name is Esteban De Cruzezierro” but you somehow walked out as Steve Zero. And you were just like ok I’m Steve Zero now. Wild times.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Of all the weird flexes out there, I’ll never understand why every pick up truck feels the need to have “4x4” painted on its side. We get it. You use all 4 wheels. Congratulations.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

@yyvonwang I’m not opposed to it. Darn Toughs, worn hard. Some holes. Willing to make them smell worse before shipping. $75 or best offer.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

I just got a quote to jack up a sinking corner of my house, repair the foundation, tear out the wall, rebuild it and replace the windows. On a semi related note, how does OnlyFans work? Can anyone create an account or is it by invite only?

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Them: What are your interests?
Me: I just paused Downton Abbey to watch old Wu Tang live performances on YouTube.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Society: Food shaming people is wrong.
Also society: There are 12 servings in a box of Cheez Its

You can’t have both. Pick one.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Does my dog love me or the taste of wine inside a beard?

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

“When a bad idea is the only idea, it becomes a great idea.” - every first time thru hiker

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Sex is great but have you ever successfully stacked and stored all the Tupperware?

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

From 6 am to 8 pm if I stand up for any reason my dogs jump like I’m going to leave them. But after 8 pm these judgmental assholes don’t move and look at each other to say “it’s fine, he’s just getting more wine”.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

No one:
My brain in the shower this morning:
I wonder who was the first person to take the [now obligatory] prehike aerial gear photo and post it on IG. They are arguably the most influential hiker in the game and deserve credit.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Happiness is not the absence of problems. Happiness comes from hiking a long trail so you can ignore your problems. Read that again.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

To illustrate the power nuclear weapons add to a country’s economic power: Russia’s pre-war GDP was roughly the same Florida’s ($1.3T). Ukraine’s was roughly the same as Arkansas ($150B). Imagine if Florida invading Arkansas could start a world war.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Friends: “But…why?”
Me: “I guarantee you, when I get back six months from now, I won’t feel like I missed anything, my life will never be changed forever, and all your lives will be exactly the same”
*6 months later I remind them of that conversation*
Friends: “……shit.”

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

John Dillinger died at 31 and he spent 11 years of his adult doing nothing (jail). And yet even he has a Wikipedia page. What’s your excuse?

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Motivational reels on IG can get me to go on a hike, get into woodworking, buy books on seed germination, or even use a filter to see which Disney character I look like. But. It. Will. Not. Get. Me. To. The. Gym. I won’t succumb to peer pressure like that.

[Hiker Royalty @HikerRoyalty]

Open Letter:
Next time you’re deciding if a news story is worth fighting about, ask yourself if you would still care after Russia invaded Ukraine.

Sincerely,
Spotify podcasters, kneeling rappers, masks, trans swimmers, inflation, et al.