Chiquita Bonita

[That Carly Girl @thatcarlygirl]

Outta nowhere my toddler starts singing Moon River on the way to the bathroom. At least now I know what they're teaching him at preschool.

[Sweet Meteor O'Death @smod4real]

If humans really wanted honesty in the debates you'd let the moderator shock the candidates w/a TASER every time he or she lied on stage.

[Darlin’ Darla @Darlainky]

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, "That completes my order" before they ask.

[That Carly Girl @thatcarlygirl]

This whiskey tastes like my boss is gonna regret giving me the password to our company website.

[That Carly Girl @thatcarlygirl]

What's it called when you're afraid of going out in public with accidentally leaving the size stickers on your clothes? Because I have that.

[That Carly Girl @thatcarlygirl]

"Oh, shoot. I forgot my water bottle at home again."
- My excuse for drinking coffee and Diet Coke all day

[That Carly Girl @thatcarlygirl]

My toddler started "school" three days ago and has already brought home a communicable disease.

[JenHatmaker @JenHatmaker]

I guess Usain Bolt is just a full freak of nature. He is racing against the best athletes in the world and no one is even near him. #respect

[That Carly Girl @thatcarlygirl]

I'm the middle-aged white suburban mom bumping the bass and rapping along with "Gin and Juice" that your momma warned you about.

[Octavius Rex @0ctaviusrex]

The synchronized swimmers would've kept their stories straight.. #LochteGate

[Armstrong and Getty @AandGShow]

Hey, Rio: Your crime rate is...constant. Turn our drunk swimmers loose and we won't call you on your very attractive cesspool. JG

[Recipe Ideas @RecipesIdeas]

Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands and then eat just one of those pieces. - Judith Viors

[JenHatmaker @JenHatmaker]

These runners' bodies are making me rethink this second chocolate chip cookie. #Rio2016

[Bible Munch @BibleMunch]

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare & not for evil, to give you a future & a hope.
Je29:11

Trust Him

[Love Modesto @LoveModesto]

If your organization is interested in putting on an appreciation lunch for your nearby school teachers & staff, we can help you! 2095669343

[Modesto Police Dept @ModestoPolice]

Whiskers heard that we're hiring. Guess she didn't hear it's for 2-legged offcrs. #InternationalCatDay #FelineUnit