Humor Hive

Funny jokes and other silly nonsense - it's the bee's knees!

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New Year’s Resolution - https://t.co/bBa1WFIKdE

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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

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There are surprisingly few bunny rabbits in hip-hop.

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The bat signal, but for snacks.

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Was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting." So we stopped playing chess.

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There are two things in life that we all can agree on. Boobs.

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Always be yourself, unless you're an undercover cop.

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I exaggerate at least 20,000 times a day.

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I had an ant farm once. Those lazy things didn't grow shit!

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Marriage is like friends with benefits without the benefits. Or the friends

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"This seems like a reasonable place to sob uncontrollably." -Women, anywhere

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The word "chafe" rubs me the wrong way.

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Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Many of my life's decisions are based on avoiding aggravation.

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PMS = Prepare to meet Satan.

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"Yes! Someone has dropped some food! Let's wait 5 seconds and then attack." - Germs

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Listen, if I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you will suffice. I don't need any of this "how did you get in my house" crap

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I'll be there in 5 minutes. If not, read this again in 5 minutes.

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Fire is never not cool.

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I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to a friend. He finally said "I don't follow you"