Homer J. Simpsons

D'oh! I like straggling my son Bart. What are you waiting for? Follow me for a donut.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

I love April Fool’s Day - I get to pretend Bart being my son is just someone pranking me.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

I have not failed! I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. (•??)

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

This year the holidays ended at 2 AM.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

"Atheists are the only ones I am letting in heaven. All religion is, is a test to see if you are that fucking gullible and naive." - God

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Don’t tell Marge I’m on Twitter. She thinks she’s the only one who gets to know my innermost and stupidmost thoughts.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Dear Houston Texans, your name helped Bart pass a geography test. He’d have aced it if Seattle was in a state named "Seahawk."

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

How To Stop The Tears - https://t.co/uZef9js2Jk

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Interesting Pictures of Celebrities When They Were Kids - https://t.co/1hoxKMaZMF

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Weird Funny Inventions - https://t.co/Piboij57KW

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

How to Get Amazing Glowing Skin - https://t.co/hsjdWD4jYO

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

At church, I prayed for Thanksgiving to come back. When I got home I found some turkey skin under the trash can liner. Thank you, God!

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

I went with Marge to see “The Hurt Locker”, because she told me it was called “The Meat Locker”.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Will trade 10 year old boy for cold beer.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Eating. What the hell business is it of yours?

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

I hope a pro football team goes 16 and 0 this year. Especially if it’s one of the teams that have already lost a bunch of games.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Does anyone have an incredibly thoughtful and personal gift they could lend to a man who forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present?

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

October is National Pork Month but I ate it all September – sorta like a tailgate party before the big game.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

April comes in like a lamb & goes out like a lion. Same thing cats can do when Prof. Frink gets his animal changing machine working.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

I root for my alma mater, Springfield U. We’ve never had wealthy alumni cause recruiting violations, because we *have* no wealthy alumni.

[Homer J. Simpsons @HoJSimpsons]

Moe’s special fall beer comes out today. He calls it that ‘cause if you drink some, you “autumn” get to a hospital, fast.