Hospital Helps

We try to offer tips and advice as you enter the hospital setting, and we are a bit sarcastic.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

If you come to the ER with a respiratory complaint, it is poor form to ask your physician or nurse for a cigarette at discharge.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

If your plan is to refuse everything, don't bother coming to the hospital. Stay home, save money, reduce your COVID exposure.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Administrator: "what could you have done to prevent the assault on you by a patient?"
Nurse: "not answered the phone when you asked me to pick up an extra shift today."

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

The hospital is at 122% capacity. An administrator said, "We can't go on divert because there is nowhere to divert to." We are working on a plan to treat patients in recliners because we don't have anymore beds.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

The big red letters outside the hospital say EMERGENCY, not CONVENIENCE.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Don't ask your doctors or nurses to falsify their documentation because you're on parole. We document that you ask, and that is going to look bad in court.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Posting about "being in the ER" on social media is not that big of a deal. Legally, we cannot send you away without seeing you, and you're only here to get the work note you asked for in triage.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Don't tell your ED nurses "thank you for being a frontline hero" after berating them because you didn't get your free turkey sandwich as fast as you wanted. They were busy trying to save a real patient, not someone hiding from their in-laws.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Don't lie to your doctors and nurses. The x-ray won't lie about the dildo you lost up your butt that you are calling "lower abdominal pain".

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Don't call us "healthcare heroes" to get attention on Facebook. Find a way to support us or shut up. Either get in the trenches with us or get out of the way.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Other departments are writing encouraging notes to the nurses on the COVID units. They are taking a heavy emotional toll due to all the death they face everyday. We are all exhausted, but we keep showing up.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

If you decide to violate hospital policy and sneak into your COVID positive family member's room, don't go to a restaurant and pick up food for said family member when you get kicked out of the hospitals. You exposed all those people at the restaurant.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

If your doctor is at only one hospital, don't drive to a different hospital and expect to see your doctor. Go to the hospital where you see your doctor. Not only should this be common sense, it will save you money when you get transferred.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Your nose is connected to your lungs. If your mask doesn't cover it, your mask won't work. Saying, "I don't know how you wear a mask all day" doesn't excuse you from wearing one.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

I've not tweeted in a while, but the stupid is out again.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

The bushes in front of the hospital is not appropriate sex toy storage, this goes for all healthcare environments.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

When you are in the Covid-19 screening unit, you should not order pizza to your room. The driver can't get to your room and you cannot leave. I wish I didn't have to say this.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Hey, friends, I know it's been a while. Mostly because you dummies aren't staying at home and away from each other. Keep this up and a whole lot of strangers get to find out what you look like naked with a tube in your throat.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Never stop your blood thinners. It doesn't matter how awesome that next tattoo is going to be. Those medications are keeping you alive, your next tattoo isn't.

[Hospital Helps @HospitalHelps]

Never request juice before your blood draw. A turkey sandwich request is too much before a disposition decision.