Humanzee

Proud Husband, Father, Texan/w Norseman blood. I like humor, science, and nature. I would offer you a penny for your thoughts, but they don’t make them anymore.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

“I can't stand in line at the store
The mean little people are such a bore
But it's all right if you act like a turd
'Cause I like
Birds” - Mark O. Everett

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

I hate the weather warnings they push to your phone, so I deactivated all of them. I also asked my wife to turn hers off because they kept waking me up in the middle of the night. She asked how we would know when a tornado was coming, and I told her we would do what we did before cellphones.

Sleep through it.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

Just buy enough to raise the price $0.69 then let it bake.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

I wish Trump was actually putting a Thunderdome in front of the White House. I think that would be a much more functional form of government than what we have now. Many of our issues could be solved by a “two men enter, one man leaves” style of governance. Plus it would be way more entertaining.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

Your ass-to-task ratio is always one to one.

You can whole-ass one task, half-ass two tasks, third-ass three tasks, and so on.

Multitasking is a myth. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

Someone needs to tell that dog, you never point a gun at someone unless you intend to shoot them, and always keep your dewclaw off the trigger.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

@NewsWire_US This is the equivalent of "the dog ate my homework." I swear, officer, the dog shot that woman.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

The person that coined the phrase “better than a sharp stick in the eye” was probably a riot at parties.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

@JonnyMicro Or, I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

@NglMaya

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

@rumiiihere Hell no, we shove that shit down until our heart explodes in our mid 40’s.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

@EpicClipVault Eula

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

I’m going to spend all day tomorrow pretending to drive around Japan in cars I can’t afford.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

@dhe3g Wait. Don’t all guys hang out like this?

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

I lingered too long, now my feed is entirely “The Boys.” Guess I’m taking two weeks off to let this shit reset.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

Never thought I would be a “20% is enough” type of guy.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

I don’t know what a glitter dumpling is, and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

@ihyomeo 50 is when you stop caring and just enjoy being your dumb self.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

Elon might be on to something. There are no mosquitoes on Mars.

[Humanzee @HumanzeesUncle]

If your website or app requires me to input numbers in a field and the numeric pad doesn’t pop up, I’m just going to leave. It’s 2026, there’s no excuse for the full QWERTY keyboard to appear.