Jessica Kravitz

I am Big Foot / TV Writer

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Need help with my resume. What would you call a child prodigy but 38 and not particularly good at anything?

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Came up with a New Year's resolution but it's Jan 13th so ah well guess I'll be a better person next year

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Based only on the hairstyles, I can deduce gravity didn't exist in the 80s.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Playing with a 2yo is mostly them pointing at a toy, you handing them the toy and them screaming that it's not the right toy

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

If rewatching the Lost pilot has taught me anything it's don't board a plane full of outrageously good looking people.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Sometimes when I want to pump myself up I look in the mirror and say "Damn girl! You look great for 50!" I'm 38 but it still works.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

@iamsamsilver @JohnMcEnroe Amazing. A+

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Nothing forms a bond like a common enemy. For my dog and my 2yo it's the vacuum. They've never been closer than when they're plotting to destroy the Dyson.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

The truth is, the mean girls from your high school did not peak at sixteen. They married rich and are now mommy instagramers with the words Jesus Saves somewhere in their bio.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

How are we not all terrified of locksmiths?

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Me every time I get an alert from the citizen app:
IT'S THE PURGE! THE PURGE HAS STARTED!

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

How come everyone in LA’s lawn isn’t as brown as mine? We are in a drought people. Your lawn should look like it belongs to a dilapidated mansion where the ghost of an adult posing as an orphan murdered a bunch of college kids on spring break.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Doctors Without Barnes & Nobles

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

I know I could never be a doomsday prepper based on how stressed I get packing for an overnight trip.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

There's a real contradiction in wanting to be a good mom and also wanting your kid to grow up to be an interesting adult.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

My son has never seen commercials until today and fully thinks they're part of the show. He's waiting for Scrubbing Bubbles Grime Fighter to join Paw Patrol on a mission.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

@jwoman I haven't! I'll have to check it out.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

But, like, I'm the most interesting of your patients, right? - something I consider asking my therapist at least once per session.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

This street is permitted AF

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

Creator 1: I don't get it, how do they not know they're living in a simulation? We made Donald Trump president, for god's sake.
Creator 2: I know, make him try to buy things with a horse.

[Jessica Kravitz @IAmAwkwardJess]

@NotOwenMeany Well that’s a new anxiety I have now