IHeartLikes

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When somebody sends me a "k" text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

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I'm dipping my pizza in my beer...I think I'm onto something here.

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When someone says, "Expect the unexpected," I like to punch them in the face to express my agreement.

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When in doubt, Google that shit!

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Siri should probably report me for verbal abuse....

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I hope gum is the only sticky substance that takes 7 years to digest, or else I know a lot of chicks that are screwed!

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A kid's way of saying "Fuck You" = "You're not invited to my birthday party"

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I'm not totally useless... I can be used as a bad example.

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Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.

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Being in a relationship depends on one basic question...do you wanna be happy or right?

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If days of the week were sex acts, Monday would be a dry, passionless handjob...

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Relax...We're all crazy...It's not a competition.

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You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.

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I live by a strict code of if I don't open my bills, I don't have to pay them...

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89: Just 69 with a fat chick.

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I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the shit out of.

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When someone says "be honest" what they really mean is: lie to me, but be as convincing as possible.

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Check my last tweet to gain

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Want to have the best sex ever? Check out these 20 tips and you'll be a master in the bed! http://t.co/pp1H1Qm1 - sp

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The plan was just to spoon... but we ended up sporking.