CafeMan

34 year old believer in Christ, writer of stories and haiku, does not like coffee.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

Finally made the decision to get X premium today. I’m still waiting on my checkmark to pop up and I have no idea who will see this as I don’t have many followers (yet?), but since I can finally post longer messages now I figured I might as well make an introduction for myself and lay out what I want to do with this platform. So first things first. Hi! My name is Chris, but you can call me Cafe! That’s my full name in shorthand. Pronounce it like you would a place to get coffee from even though it doesn’t have accent mark and I don’t actually drink coffee because it tastes awful.

Firstly and above everything else I am a firm believer in Jesus Christ who is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Son of God, and the Living Word of his Father. I believe that because He so loved the world, Jesus stepped down from his heavenly throne to be born into the world through the virgin Mary (who did NOT remain a virgin afterward as she had kids after him) so that He could be revealed to us as both fully human and fully divine. I believe that He lived the perfect life I could never live so that He could lay it down on the cross and proclaim “Tetelestai!” as He died for the forgiveness of my sins. I believe that He was buried afterward to prove to the world that He was dead, and that on third day He rose again to life to conquer death forever so that, through Him, I could have eternal life and a direct and personal relationship with my Father in Heaven. I believe that at the end of His first tenure on Earth He ascended into heaven where He is seated at the right hand of God the Father. Most fervantly of all, I believe that at the appointed time Jesus Christ is COMING BACK to establish His Kingdom which He will reign over forever. May that blessed day come soon!

Secondly, I am a hobbyist writer and an aspiring christian author, though I hope stepping out of the shadows to come here will be the first step to becoming something more. I’m in the middle of drafting a christian romance story on my typewriter (yes, one of the old manual kinds) and have written a little over 370 haiku (so far) which I keep in a little black book that is only half used up. I’d like to fill the rest of it with more haiku, but I’d also like to branch out to other kinds of poetry.

I’ve long wanted to come out of the shadows, but I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy. I’m no one special and no one of consequence so I didn’t think anyone would ever want to read anything I’ve written or hear anything I had to say. But after a lot of prayer and coaxing by the Holy Spirit I’ve decided to take a leap of faith and come into the light. Now that I’m here, I want to use this platform to share my testimony, talk about some hard things I feel like more people need to talk about, as well as talk about some lighter things to have a little fun. Maybe I’ll share some of the Haiku I’ve written from time to time if anyone would be interested. Who knows, maybe people will like them. If coming here goes well enough, perhaps later on I can use this as a launchpad to greater ways of serving Jesus with my writing.

I look forward to seeing how this goes. Until then my new and future friends!

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@MasterMaliq Having someone who can talk to that completely understands you, knows each and every one of your flaws and sins, and loves you no matter what.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

I worked for a McDonalds many years ago as the lobby guy who cleaned the restrooms and yes, can confirm, women's restroom was ALWAYS worse. The horrors I found in the trashcans... and the things you women tried to flush down the toilet... I don't wish to recall. I remember one time I went into the women's restroom to clean and I was dumbfounded to find poop on the light fixture above the toilet on the ceiling! It wasn't much, but it was there!

I remember going,

"Okay, who and how-- did some woman pop a handstand on the toilet and shotgun her deposit up there what the FUCK--"

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

The real bullshit is that you can order some pizza'a online at some places for under 10, but you can't get it delivered unless your order is over 10-11 bucks (limit varies depending on the place) so you can't just get the pizza for delivery and save money. NOPE, cause the pizza's cheap, yes, but if you need it delivered, fuck you, you're gonna also need to order some wings or something which is likely gonna double your order cause those are usually like 7-9 bucks, then double fuck you because there's also the delivery fee at the end of it which actually ISN'T the end of it, because OMEGA FUCK YOU, the delivery fee is separate from the actual tip you're expected to give.

So at the end of just wanting to order a pizza for under 10, to have it delivered it magically jacks up to cost you almost 30 bucks.

Of course if you're close enough to the place you're ordering from you can pick it up and thus still get it for cheap, but still.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

I'm not a girl, so no I don't have first hand knowledge of that. I was married once before, but I can tell you my wife washed her underwear in the washing machine all the time and of all the problems we had in our relationship 'contamination and disruption of her vaginal flora' was never one of them. So I dunno, maybe it's just your detergent that sucks?

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

My brother got that game for his PS5. We were playing it together and at first I was enjoying it. Then it got unreasonably insane and I was practically having a seizure from all the game rage I was going through. Then we found a youtube video of one of the last levels and I went,

"You know what, if THAT's what I'm going through all this shit to get through then neither my headaches nor my sanity is worth it. You can finish it if you like, but I'm done! Some things just aren't worth it."

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@Haleyvtuber_ America!

The Uni--

Fuck.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

Kid: It's a chicken nugget...

Ronald McDonald: This is an Azteck McNugget. One of 882 identical nuggets delivered in a cardboard box to Mayor McCheese himself. Lunch money paid to sate the hunger wrecking his constituents. But the cravings of Mayor McCheese were insatiable. So the fast food gods placed upon the nuggets a terrible curse. Any customer that removed but a single nugget from that cardboard box shall be punished for eternity.

Kid: I hardly believe in lunch stories anymore, Ronald.

Ronald McDonald: Aye, that's exactly what everyone in McDonald Land thought when were told the tale. Only orderable from a McDonald's menu that that can no longer be found except by those who know where it is. Find it we did. There be the box, inside be the nuggets, and we took em all! We traded them and frittered them away on Big Macs and Coca-Cola and Happy Meal toys. The more we gave them away the more we realized that the Big Macs would not satisfy. The Coca-Cola went flat in our mouths, and all the Happy Meal toys in the world could not bring us joy! We are cursed mascots, kid. Compelled by hunger we were, but now we are consumed by it. There is but one way we can end our curse. All the scattered pieces of the McDonalds nuggets must be restored and the ketchup repaid. Thanks to ye, we have the final nugget.

Kid: And the ketchup to be repaid?

Ronald McDonalds: That's why there's no sense in taking your lunch box... yet.

(*Kid goes into a wild panic and kicks Ronald in the shin*)

Ronald McDonalds: I'm curious... after hobblin' me what was it you were plannin' on doing next?

(*Kid runs out of the playplace and out into the main lobby of McDonalds where all the McDonalds mascots are cursed skeletons, and stops dead in fright*)

Ronald McDonald: Look! The store lighting shows us for what we really are! We're not McCrew Members, so we cannot cook, but neither are we customers! For too long I've put up with flat Coca-Cola and been unable to feel the bubbles! Too long I've been craving a Big Mac and haven't had one! I feel nothin'... not the wind from the AC nor the plastic of the seats... nor the cold of a fresh McFlurry. You best start believing in McStories, kid. You're in one!

(*Ronald turns to the other mascots*)

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT! Back to McDonald Land!

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

You think this is funny!? YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNYYYYY!?

It's not... as funny...

...as your face.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@DailyJSurvivor You can call him Cal Kestis but we all know who he really is

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@XDarthThunderX I agree his performance was good. It's just a shame such a good actor had to waste his talent on this poorly written slop fest of a series.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@Dexerto

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@ThoughtCrimes80 Every time I see that actor...

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@ThinkingAtheist They had more children than that, and also back then the gene pool wasn't as muddied. It wasn't a problem or a sin back then. After the flood when Noah repopulated the earth with his three wives things started changing.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

OH NO, AS IF BEES WEREN'T BAD ENOUGH-

(This was the best I could get GROK to do. Despite my best effort to describe the move GROK kept having him DDT him in the water or else grab him wrong. I don't know if it's just intentionally being dumb because I don't have SuperGrok or if it's still just a little dumb overall and not perfect (likely enough) I'm just not doing the prompt right (also possible). I'm using references and everything I can think of.)

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@sw_holocron Who the hell is Kelleran Bell?

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@jtimsuggs He's Temu Kylo Ren who in turn was a Temu Darth Vader.

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@Vava_n11 He put his head in the things mouth, what did he think was going to happen? Snake was like, "Well shit I'm not turning free food if you're just gonna put it in there."

(*CHOMP*)

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@JorgeAn46756534 Where have I seen this before? Oh right...

[CafeMan @IamCafeMan]

@railgundaniel Crash would like a word.