Ian Jarvis

Author of humorous supernatural mysteries with York-based detective Bernie Quist, a modern-day Sherlock Holmes, and his teenage assistant Watson

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Zeus disguised himself as a swan and had a night of hot sex with a Greek beauty named Leda. I tried this with a girl who was feeding the ducks in a York park and I was arrested by the police. It seems to me there's one rule for mythical Gods and another for the rest of us.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Good tip - ALWAYS check for ceiling fans before you gauge how big your hotel bedroom is by swinging a cat.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

My friend Dean Maclean from Aberdeen always says ‘moose’ when he talks about a mouse. The problem is, he also says ‘moose’ when he talks about a moose. He currently suspects he has a moose living in his loft, but how the hell is anyone supposed to know which animal he means?

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

A scary episode this afternoon. Some bloke on the street noticed I had no tattoos and I wasn't holding a phone...

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

I remember the day I was sacked from my job as a teacher...
"Okay, class, I need to have a serious talk with you about bullying. Why haven't you picked on Singh yet? I mean, look at him - he wears a turban AND he has that stupid stutter."

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Unbelievably the delicious Jenny Hanley will be 79 in a fortnight. Here she is on the set of the 1970 horror film Scars of Dracula, playing that old game - Spot the Hidden Vampire Bat.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Working as security on the USS Enterprise was stressful. Ben liked to unwind by beaming down to Earth and taking part in TV game shows. Unfortunately, Tipping Point had only just begun when he was tragically killed by an alien entity.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Be careful what you wish for...

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

I WISH I had a supernatural comedy mystery to read for just £9.49...
https://t.co/Xqr87BLLPG

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

At great legal expense, they've reviewed Ruth's case and changed her death sentence to life imprisonment. This is great news for her. Life sentences in the UK are usually around 12 to 15 years, so with good behaviour, Ruth could be out before 1970

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

"That's right, darlin'. Your well is now full of wine. Am I magic, baby, or am I fuckin' magic?"

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Supreme Commander Servalan, the evil genius of the Terran Federation, insisted upon four things in the men she dated. Smouldering good looks, a large todger, the letters A and V in their surname, and a black silk shirt.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Why work in the heatwave when this shop has such a bargain offer? I bought two pensioners and had them digging the garden. Both are wheezing and moaning about severe chest pains, but at these prices I can afford to drive somewhere remote, dump them in a layby, and buy two more

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

"No, piss off and leave me alone. Those aren't breadcrumbs on my head. It's dandruff, for God's sake. It's just dandruff, okay?"

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

"Mr Stewart, I'm investigating the murder and I need some details. How would you describe your friend Georgie?"
"Georgie boy was gay, I guess."
"Okay, but what else can you tell me?"
"Well, he was nothing more than gay, but then again, he was nothing less than gay."
"Um... what?

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Oh, bad luck, room 13

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Here's my friend Elkie Brooks. You might recall her 1981 hit, Lilac Wine, and her appearance in the Bond film, Goldenarse.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Zoom in and read the new sign on the right. The queue for security serpentines for two hours inside the airport and extends outside in the rain for 100 yards as everyone breezes through. Well done Leeds Bradford.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Due to the cost of living crisis, I'm selling off my collection of science fiction movie memorabilia. For just £450 (plus postage) you could own the actual bollocks from the Terminator T600. The T1000 balls (on the right) are £350. DM for details.

[Ian Jarvis @IanJarvis2000]

Popmaster TV
Attila - "Oh, my God, no. I got my music question wrong. Oh, my God!"
Ken - "You okay, hun?"