Greg Johnstone

2 million+ tiktok followers but I like all few hundred of you more.

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

@CrackedRacquets Close second is Agassi’s hairline

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

Did anything change in a sports career more than the length of Rafael Nadal’s shorts? @CrackedRacquets

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

As I was walking this morning I thought I could hear something rustling around in my pocket… until I realized the noise was coming from my knees.
The noise… was my knees.
MY FUCKING KNEES

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

If you’re wondering where all the world’s excess saw dust goes the answer is inside Quest bars.

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

Me: Honey I really feel disturbed with how much I like your big butt
Wife: Why does that make you feel like you’re disturbed?
Me: I’m down with the thickness

OWWWW WA A A AH

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

I’m tired when I’m hungry and eating makes me sleepy.
- Adulthood.

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

High up… HIGH up… on the list of worlds worst people - adults that wear Crocs.

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

“Hey look at those mountains… oh no wait, they’re Shakira’s breasts” - said no one ever

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

I took a viagra last night and it got stuck in my throat.
Woke up this morning with a stiff neck.

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

My toxic trait is that I help old ladies cross the street but only when they don’t want to be on the other side

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

Today we remember Jesus had a foot fetish

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

Excited to announce I’ve booked my first acting gig.
ACTING A FOOL AMIRITE!?

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

Will someone explain to me why there’s braille on the drive-thru ATM please?

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

I will not admit AI is useful until it is used by Queen to make new music with Freddie’s voice @QueenWillRock #please #Respectfully

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

The hottest part of hell is reserved for people who at 12.01 respond to “good morning” by looking at their watch and saying “actually it’s good afternoon”

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

The question of the evening:
Is the man behind me wearing a trench coat?
Or is he three small children stacked on top of each other, under a trench coat?

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

Annnnd Nick Sirianni is a meme

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

1 billion chicken wings sold this week. I wish we could calculate how many chickens had to die for that. #SuperBowl

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

Personal growth is my passenger footwell being full of water bottles instead of sugar free Red Bull cans

[Greg Johnstone @ImGregJohnstone]

You ever been in a rush to eat a protein bar? What an infuriating experience.