Josh Do

huh

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

That feeling you get when your last starburst is pink then your mom punches you in the face

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Wordle but for teenagers, I call it Hurdle. All of the things they’ll have to deal with when they get older. Some words may include:

Bills
Teeth
Loans
Death
Money
Stool

#wordle

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Still waiting for a Son of Divorced Parents day

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

I wish I was confident enough to be in a situation and confidently say, “I’ve done the math, it checks out.”

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

The guy at my local liquor store intimidates me. I asked him if he sold wine bottle caps and he responded,

“What? You can’t finish a bottle of wine yourself? Try using the tampon in your vagina.”

He then recommended I check Target.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

I don't like comedy competitions because I get too into my head and make the stakes too high. Like, thinking if I win it, it'll fix racism.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

I’m allergic to dogs, side effects include giving me immense joy and happiness

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Something I like to do when someone on the train is playing music loudly on their Bluetooth speaker is to do nothing because they’re probably crazy

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

@thefakeBMarr Be prepared to be disappointed!

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Today was a very productive day, spent about 40 minutes perfecting my voicemail greeting and did nothing else

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Seeing a new therapist after being in therapy for several years is great because it’s like, “Yes, all these deep emotional issues I already know about, I just really just want to talk about how limiting ice cream in my diet is starting to ruin my life”

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

@thomcrowley It would be more normal if you weren’t fully naked as you were doing it

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Target self checkout shaming me for using a plastic bag, yah okay well how about this credit card I just found on the ground that works are you judging me now?!

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

The longer in a relationship you are, the more your farts become performance art for you and your partner.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Trying to give back to this world, I’ve decided I’m going to be less sad than the news.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Anti depressants made it so I no longer want to harm myself, I did wish it would make me stop wanting to harm other people like those who are rude or magicians.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Realized that whenever I get a COVID test, and they ask me if I’m comfortable swabbing myself, that I get way too enthusiastic about saying yes.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Incognito mode is great because it's just you and Google that knows of your shame.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

Boston mask mandate lifting means I gotta relearn how to breathe through my nose again

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

When I was younger, I wanted to look older. Now that I’m older, I want to look less miserable.

[Josh Do @ImJoshDo]

This job market is my like dating life because everyone is telling me that they want someone then when I show up they’re just like oh nah never mind I’m better off slowly dying.