Doug Adkins

Oxford Comma fans should just go ahead and block me.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

I sure wish elevators only had a single fail-safe protection.

[Jordan Rachel @TheJordanRachel]

If the masks work, why do we need 6ft?

If the 6ft works, why do we need a mask?

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

The Beetles.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

@UberFacts Leave the dad jokes to dads, UberFacts.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

@UberFacts In the last 3 years.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

I have to admit I've done very little for the Republic of Liberia lately.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

@rainnwilson Better than murder koala bears. They're the worst.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

“Murder hornets” is a euphemism. They’re actually much worse than their name would indicate.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

I’m taking a Chuck E. Cheese Cruise. The entire ship is one giant ball pit. Should be fun.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

Instead of banning reporters for reporting on the stupid shit you do, maybe stop doing stupid shit.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

@BabbleOnStudios Demon anatomy is weird.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

I mean I knew Pence was some kind of demon cloaked in human flesh, but I find it particularly terrifying that his eyes are somehow located in his mouth. #pencemask

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

I accidentally clicked on a Twitter ad and now that ad is everywhere, including being projected directly into my amygdala.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

I'd hate to be judging the Darwin Awards this year. So many good candidates to choose from.

[Arlen Parsa @arlenparsa]

Every person in this video is effectively giving the middle finger to doctors and nurses who are sacrificing everything to try and get this virus under control

[Thomas Chatterton Williams @thomaschattwill]

This has to be one of the best tweets of all time now:

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

@JohnFugelsang Too unrealistic.

[Anonymous Drew🇺🇦 @skrymir42]

@Acyn 🎶Brave Donald ran away.
Bravely ran away away.
When the breifing reared it's ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Donald turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Swiftly taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the brave, Donald!🎶

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

I think what probably happened is the Packers forgot to turn off auto-draft.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

So #KIMJONGUNDEAD is trending. Which seems to indicate that Kim Jong is undead.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

Before I mainline this bleach, I’m wondering what happened to all that “The cure shouldn’t be worse than the disease” talk.

[Doug Adkins @InfiniteMonkeyz]

This seems like a good time to point out that if you drink a flagon of molten lava you will not get COVID-19 because dead people are immune.