Not Irish Rail

Blue tick coming whenever we can afford $8. Parody account. Parody of a parody, in fact. Not affiliated with any rail network. There’s always an excuse.

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to the spiralling number of COVID cases in Northern Ireland, from today passengers travelling from the north will be asked to identify the correct packet of Tayto. Passengers who get it wrong will be asked to turn around and wise up. #COVID19ireland #NorthernIreland

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Irish commuters: ‘hey Irish Rail, where is my train?’

Irish Rail:

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Irish Rail after your train arrives 4 hours late, spends another 45 minutes waiting outside Portarlington, provides broadband that’s slower than a carrier pigeon and then they confiscate your 12 cans of Bavaria #irishrail

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Did you know, just like Marks and Spencer pump the smell of freshly baked shortbread through their shops to give homely feeling, @AerLingus do the same, only with an odour that’s a mix of Guinness farts and mashed potato created by Paul Costelloe #traveltrivia #fact #ireland

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

@ItaOKelly We all want improvements but this type of commentary distracts from the true issues:

lack of driver education and enforcement of existing laws and an absence of meaningful penalties for irresponsible driving

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

@ItaOKelly Ay yes. Of course. Because Irish road fatalities peaked in 1972 which was obviously the peak era for Range Rovers and Skoda Kodiaqs.

Current road fatality levels are similar to the 1930s where car ownership was at approximately 5% of what it is now.

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Ah would ya ever just fuck off once and for all? #BacktoSchool2023 #EnochBurke

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Ireland: watches Spanish FA scandal unfold

One man (previously scorned):

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Best of luck to everyone getting Leaving Cert results today.

Always remember that it is not the be all and end all. You don’t need a Leaving Cert to sell nudes on Only Fans. #leavingcertresults

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Rose of Tralee contestant: ‘I’m going to recite a poem I wrote myself’

The entire nation:

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Another busy evening ahead as @MalahideCastleG host Florence and the Mechanics.

If you are attending, rest assured we will be putting on extra excuses to ensure you get home knowing how much we would have liked to help if only we could be arsed #irishrail

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to Ryan Tubridy walking through Sydney Parade station throwing bundles of cash in the faces of peasants, all services are delayed until RTÉ spend the money on rebooting Calor Housewife of the Year #rte #RyanTubridy

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to @NadineCoyleNow trying to pay a schoolchild fare but forgetting her date of birth, all services to Coolmine are delayed by 3 hours #sorrynotsorry

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to the driver going home because he didn't like the socks he wore to work, all services to Sandymount are delayed by several days #sorrynotsorry

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to Jedward starting a socialist revolt in Cherry Orchard, all services to Dún Laoghaire are delayed by 15 hours #sorrynotsorry #irishrail

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to Daniel O'Donnell selling stolen paintings of tractors on a level crossing in Leitrim, all services to Balbriggan are delayed by 15 hours

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to Bono disappearing up his own arse on a level crossing near Fermoy, all services to Millstreet are delayed by 12 hours #sorrynotsorry

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to @Pontifex trying to perform an exorcism a packet of prawn cocktail Tayto, all services to Cloughjordan are delayed by 24 hours #sorrynotsorry

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to a Carter Twins fan conference, all services to Park West and Cherry Orchard are delayed by 18 hours #sorrynotsorry #irishrail

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to @campaignforleo flagging down a DART just so he can show off his snazzy socks, all services to Clondalkin and Fonthill are delayed by 14 hours

[Not Irish Rail @IrishRailExcuse]

Due to a hedgehog going rogue and insisting he's @NiallOfficial, all services to Drumcondra are delayed until Bertie Aherne gets the Broy Harriers back in