John Cutler

I'm Notorious from head 2 toe, naughty as hell but I aint No hoe!!!

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

I’m so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn’t mind.

But it was All Night Long.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.

But it’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

I married my husband for his looks.

Just not the ones he’s been giving me lately.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

What do you call the security in a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but…”

“Look at what kids your age make in China!”

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes.”

“What did they look like?” I asked.

He said, “Fifty pound notes.”

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds.

Because every time I take them she goes away.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

Guy says 2 his wife, “Thanks 2 that new scale u bought, I always no how much I poop!”

she replies, “So u step on the scale b4 u poop, go 2 the toilet, step on the scale again & the difference is the weight of your poop?”

Guy says, “Oh, yeah, I guess u cud also do it that way…”

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut off date.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore.

I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is!

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs.

It’s also their biggest import.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.

I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

What do you call James Bond taking a bath?

Bubble 07.

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.”

He said, “No problem sir. Today is special.”

[John Cutler @JCutlerOfficial]

Jack: How’s it going?

Beans: Pretty good.

Jack and the beans talk.